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 Questioning Everything - Steve02
Lately I've been becoming more and more in the mood of
questioning every single, tiny action and/or thought my
g/f displays to me. I act like this due to the fact that
she says one thing, yet does another (whether it be
positive vs. negative or vice versa). When I say
everything, I mean "everything". She says she
doesn't want to hold my hand, yet 10 min. later, she's
the one reaching for my hand. I get confused and question
it. I don't question here due to wanting to avoid a
confrontation (after all, if she's going to sit there and
say NO more attention Steve, but then she turns around
and actually does it, sure, I'm gonna soak it all up!)
and I'd look stupid asking her "why are you holding
my hand?". I question myself. I try to read her
actions and convert them into thoughts and it becomes
quite frustrating. I feel that either I shouldn't care
and just accept that fact that I do get attention (but
only when she gives it, not when I seek it or ask for it)
and quit questioning it or I feel that I should keep on
questioning it as I'm onto some trail she's leading me
and I soon I'll figure out just what the hell she's
talking about. So, there's my 2 cents (again) on my
relationship - and what a confusing one it is.
 From: Claudia
Steve, To me it sounds like an issue of control.
Perhaps inability to receive your reaching to her,
perhaps she wants to feel "in charge". Kinda
like giving but not allowing oneself to get.
From: Bernd
“I feel that either I shouldn't care and just
accept that fact that I do get attention (but only when
she gives it, not when I seek it or ask for it) and quit
questioning it or I feel that I should keep on
questioning it as I'm onto some trail she's leading me
and I soon I'll figure out just what the hell she's
talking about.”
I find women are much more in touch with their
emotions, but have just as difficult time as us men do
finding out WHY they feel a certain way at a certain
time. Many of them have also been told they’re
stupid (or had that impression reinforced). So when their
partner asks them to explain what’s going on inside
them, it often 1/sets off waves of even more confusion
inside the woman, because SHE isn’t really sure why
she feels good about holding hands one moment, but not
the next 2/when she can’t explain why, she feels
“stupid” again 3/gives her the unspoken message
that “she’s” creating yet another problem,
just by being herself 4/gives her the clear message that
risking intimacy is going to put her thru #1 and #2 over
and over again.
Steve, as much as you want to figure out your partner,
you are on the OUTSIDE of her body and mind, not on the
inside. It’s hard enough understanding your own
feelings, and finding healthy and loving ways to express
them - and you’re on the INSIDE of YOUR body and
mind. If you want to get a better understanding of
what’s going on inside her, you can only do that by
getting a better understanding of what goes on inside
YOU, when you feel angry and frustrated because of her
choices.
With Lynda, I’ve discovered that whatever
she’s freely willing to give, is always what I need
most. If she takes my hand one moment, and lets go of it
the next, I’m ok with that. There’s a good
reason behind her choice, whether I understand it or not.
I don’t NEED to understand why to accept it, and be
comfortable with it. I can simply accept it, and find
other healthy and honest ways of taking care of needs I
have that she isn’t ok helping with right now. In
fact, it’s my need to understand HER before I can
let go of my turmoil, that causes my struggles and
frustration. The more I accept her from moment to moment,
the calmer and quieter I become inside - and ironically,
that’s when I learn the MOST about her. It’s
like being in a crowded classroom (my head), with
everyone talking, and trying to learn from what the
teacher’s saying. I can’t because there’s
so much noise. Once things quiet down, I’m able to
listen in a way I never could before, and the answers
I’ve been looking for just seem to come on their
own.
You don’t have to stop caring to “accept
that fact that I do get attention only when she gives it,
not when I seek it or ask for it’. In fact, giving
such acceptance is VERY caring thing to do.
“I feel that I should keep on questioning
...”. I agree. Question YOURSELF about YOUR
feelings, not her about hers. That’s where
you’ll find the answers, as crazy as that might
sound. When you find yourself going around in circles
trying to figure out why you feel a certain way in
certain situations, reach out for other people’s
insights. This comment forum is a safe place to do that.
The more you focus on finding solutions to your struggles
without needing anything from her that she isn’t
freely willing to give, the safer she’ll feel with
you, and the more likely it is she’ll risk sharing
her guesses about her own feelings with you. Those are my
thoughts and guesses. Hope something helps.
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