 Ready to pack it in - della
Well, I'm back. This may seem really stupid to anyone
who reads this but can I get some feedback on this? I am
so furious and at this point just about ready to call it
quits in my relationship. My story goes like this.
Saturday, we (my 2 daughters, my SO and myself) were all
enjoying a movie and some pizza. My SO's dog (Web) has
this awful habit of always trying to eat off your plate
and he was standing over my daughter's plate drooling
away just waiting for the chance. She got frustrated and
said to my SO, "would you please get your dog away
from supper?"My SO in turn said "Well, for that
comment, come on Web, get Angi, go see Angi, that's a boy
go bug Angi." I could see the irritation on Angi's
face.
I asked my SO, "What comment?" "YOUR
dog", he said. To try and lighten things up because
I know he gets a little frustrated with us saying YOUR
dog or MY house (we don't live together) I said to him
"You know, it's a common thing in society that when
the dog is good he's OUR dog but when he's bad he's YOUR
dog. It's the same with kids, when the kids are good
they're our kids but when they're bad they're YOUR
kids." He gave me a dirty look and said that's not
true. I said yes it is, you've done it yourself. "I
have not", he said and that was it, he wouldn't
speak to me for the rest of the night until I walked him
home. Then he let it rip. He looked at me and told me he
was SO angry with me. I wasn't really sure at that point
what I had done that was so wrong. I could handle the I'm
SO angry part but then he gave me this look and said
"HOW DARE YOU" intervene when I'm trying to
bring our family unit closer together!
I told him I said what I did to try to lighten things
up a bit and to let him know that maybe he shouldn't take
the statement "YOUR dog" so literally. He
wouldn't believe me and went on to say that his
relationship with my girls is still in the introductory
stage (he has a wonderful relationship with them after 2
years of being with us) and I had no right to ridicule
him in front of them. I was so angry, we talked the next
day on the phone and he immediately went into the HOW
DARE YOU statement and I couldn't stand it so I just said
"NO, HOW DARE YOU" and hung up. I haven't
spoken to him since.
It seems no matter what I say or for what reason I
always end up defending myself or my motives. I can't
stand being in a relationship where my partner thinks I'm
constantly out to sabotage him or our relationship when
I'm not, it's just the way he seems to perceives me. I'm
honestly a good person. I broke up with him 1 and a half
years ago because of an issue I had to solve with another
man and I know that has given him cause to mistrust me
but that was so long ago and it's in the past. I guess
I'm really angry because he always just assumes I am only
capable of the worst and there really is no convincing
him otherwise, he just won't listen. I've read a lot of
the postings here and talked to some people and I know I
haven't picked the best way to handle this but I'm so
tired of the fighting. I guess I'm hoping an outsider
might see something I'm missing. I'm already afraid to
say too much when we're together and now this has only
emphasized to me how insulted or offended he becomes when
I say something he doesn't like. This happens fairly
frequently just thought I would use this incident has a
typical example.
Thanks so much for allowing me to vent. Just sign me,
ready to pack it in. della PS I just despise that
statement "HOW DARE YOU"
 From: wolfie
(kim)
Dearest Della, I know you are not going to want to
hear this but this has nothing to do with your SO. When
you were with your husband, you felt less than - now you
have chosen to be with your present partner and again you
feel less than. Della, this is not about them! It is
about you. What is really going on with you?? How do you
feel? It sounds like your partner is mirroring a belief
about you which says - I can't do anything right, I am an
awful person out to hurt people etc. Della, this is what
needs to be healed. The beliefs about your self!
There is A LOT going on with both of you beneath the
surface and it will come up and come out in various
different ways - believe me. When we are in relationship,
our partner mirrors US. And the only way - and I mean the
only way - to get thru it is when we stop blaming others
and we start looking at self. Della, I just thought of a
great book for you. I just finished it and it is called
"Guilt as the Teacher, Love as the Lesson" by
Joan Borysenko. Anyway Where do you start? Wherever your
inner voice leads you - I was first guided to AA, then I
was guided to the Big Book Step Study Process, then I was
guided to Transformational Breath Therapy, then I was
guided to other types of healing, then I was guided to a
New Thought church (where I have been ever since)
......and I was guided to this book and that book and
this and that and it will go on and on and on. But it
isn't my partner - oh sure - it would be so easy to blame
him but I cannot, it doesn't work. If I get mad at him or
blame him then I am really getting mad at me and blaming
me - for all he is doing is mirroring me. What I can do
is thank GOD for the gift that he is. And he is!
Oh sure, he has his issues and his fears but it not up
to me to figure them out for him. All I can do is keep
looking at me and work on becoming the woman I am meant
to be. As I change, the people around me reflect that
back to me. You see, it really is all about us. I have a
different version of the serenity prayer - it goes: God
grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot
change, the courage to change the person I can, and the
wisdom to know it's me!
From: Dean
Hi Della!! I can relate totally! I too was in a
relationship and she had two girls. I had been divorced
for several years and she was just getting thru a
divorce. The first two years we were together we made
good progress and her daughters really liked me. I then
took a job promotion, which meant moving, but I was still
the same distance driving time from her. Well, things
started to turn south as I worked in my new position. We
had split before the promotion, but got back together in
a short time (2 months). I can't speak for your SO, but I
can look back and see myself......I was not happy with
ME! I was so unhappy that I projected that unhappiness on
everyone and everything around me. We split again in
April and have talked on many occasions, but I can tell
the hurt is still there with her for the way I was.
I finally came to the realization that I had to change
and work on ME before I could be good for someone else.
I'm happy to say that I have quit my job and went out on
my own venture, which has really reduced the stress I was
feeling, and also started seeing a therapist to help me
better myself. I had despised myself for what I had
become and didn't like what I saw. I guess you might say
that I finally saw the light! I knew two years before
that I was heading down the wrong road, but it was ME
that had to realize that despite what my SO said of what
she saw. We are still speaking even though she started
seeing someone else, and that has now dissolved. I only
hope that the future will bring us back together, but if
it does not, I know I will be a better person because I
helped myself.
Maybe your SO is feeling the same type pressure that I
was? If so, he has to come to terms with it and nothing
you can do will change that if he doesn't want the change
himself. I know this may not mean a lot, but I wanted to
share my experience with you because it sounded so
similar. I was a short fuse to a bomb waiting to explode
and ever little thing set me off...no matter how trivial.
I am glad I am on the road to healing as it feels great
to reach that point of recognition!
From: wolfie (kim)
Dean, You said that Beautifully!!!!!! You are well on
your way Dean!!!!!! Congrats in all the work you have
done!!!! Again, thank you for your kind and thoughtful
words to me!!!!
From: Bernd
Repressed anger always comes out sooner or later, in
ways that sneak up on us and backfire, and skew our
judgment. In many relationships - and I sense this
happening in yours - we walk a tightrope, trying to
“control” our real anger in a situation,
because we’re scared of being abandoned, or having
our anger backfire on us, if we let it out honestly. This
isn’t something we do on purpose - we’ve learnt
all too well as a child that letting out our anger was
dangerous. Getting appropriately pissed at our parents or
other adults meant a good swift slap to the face,
spankings, or even worse abuse. Sometimes it was mental
and emotional devastation they laid on us, that did as
much damage as if they had hit us.
What I sensed in your posting was that you were hoping
to hold up his words to Angi up to the light, so he could
see how inappropriate they were, and turn things back
around by calling off the dog. Instead, what you got was
angry defensiveness from him, which left YOU even
angrier, and the battle escalated until both of you were
royally pissed at each other. Both of you tried the best
you could to put your choices in the “best
light” (him by saying he was trying to “bring
our family unit together”, and you by bringing up
the our/your comparison). I suspect both of you are
prisoners of a well-learned blame game, where the rules
are whoever’s “wrong” loses power.
It’s a very real fear, because “losing
power” sets you (or him) up for even more hurt. The
one lying down is the one that gets stepped on the most.
There are a few simple rules of thumb that help me to
deal with my own anger struggles. First, when I pull up
the past, I fog up the present. The more I can stay
focused on what’s happening here and now, the better
chance I have of finding a win/win solution. I sense what
you really wanted to do was to get the dog off
Angi’s case. If so, getting up and physically moving
or shooing the dog, or asking Angi to come and sit with
you would have helped you take care of the immediate
problem - the dog. None of those would have required your
partner to change a thing. If he reacted, you have the
right to choose whether you want to discuss it then, or
later. If he didn’t support that right, you have the
right to ask him to leave, or leave yourself. Yes, it
feels risky, but as you’ve discovered, the
“less risky” route usually ends up being the
most trouble.
Second, I need a time-out in many situations to get in
touch with what I really need to do most. If Lynda
isn’t willing to give me that time out (btw, she IS
willing and supportive), I have the right to take it
anyway. Removing yourself temporarily from the situation
- and inviting Angi to come with you - is your right.
Whatever spin he wants to put on it is his problem, not
yours. Once you have a chance to get recentered inside,
you can come back, and make crystal clear what is
acceptable to you (if the dog stays, bothering the kids
is unacceptable) and what is unacceptable (I will no
longer accept having the dog nearby when we eat).
Third, when I don’t stay focused and simple, I
can get off track and derailed quite easily. I refuse to
argue. If someone is truly interested in working a
problem out, I’m willing to talk. But if they want
someone to dump on, I refuse to be it. I’ll remove
myself from the room if I have to.
Lynda and anyone else are free to think what they want
of me, and my motives. If they want to put negative spins
on them, I’ve learned to let them. That negativity
robs them; I have no wish to let it rob me as well.
“You are entitled to your own opinion”; “I
hear you, but my decision stands”; “I
don’t deserve to be treated this way, let me know
when you want to talk without dumping on me”. Those
are some of the phrases I use, and I repeat them like a
broken record. I refuse to be drawn into arguments I
don’t want.
As much as he says he’s trying to build a
relationship with Angi, his actions at the table
certainly said otherwise. Angi was clear in how much she
disliked having the dog drool over her plate. Supporting
her right to voice such things, and being an ally in
helping HER find and carry out solutions is one of the
best gifts we can give our kids.
I agree with Wolfie’s points about partners being
mirrors of each other. My reading is that both of you had
difficulty with anger and communication long before this
relationship happened. And whatever you don’t heal
in this relationship is very likely to crop up in the
next one. Drag, eh?
That doesn’t mean you should stay - or leave.
That is a very individual choice. But if some of my
guesses ring true, beginning a search on how to express
and feel your anger in healthier ways will help you get
steps closer to where you want to be. There are some
excellent books on anger, and the hidden things that go
on between partners when communication leads to battles.
There is nothing in what either of you are doing that
you need to blame yourselves over, or feel shame or loads
of guilt over. You were each given broken hammers as
children, and told you could straighten nails with them.
You’re finding out the hard way that the tools you
were given just seem to make a lot of the nails more
crooked. It’s hard to build a home with crooked
nails, and unfortunately, the broken hammers don’t
work any better on heads.:)
See if you can get some good reading and journal
writing under your belt. Reaffirm your right not to get
drawn into battles that no one wins. Explore the power of
“acting”, instead of “reacting”. It
may look like a long haul, but God has a way of giving us
a tandem bicycle, with him/her pedaling in back. Hope
some of this helps.
From: della
Once again everyone, your words have helped me
immensely. Dean, thanks for responding. I know he does
have issues to wade through. I don't think he's willing
right now. He has said he has had enough of counselors. I
guess I can't worry about what he decides to do with
himself. I know I have never met another person who
worries as much as he does. Money seems to be a real big
issue with him these days and I think he gets frustrated
with me because I really don't think about it too much. I
consider getting to the end of each month a creative
challenge for me and if I get there I am a happy camper.
Once again Wolfie, you hit me with that mirroring
factor.:) I was thinking more this was one of his issues
being mirrored this time. Couldn't quite figure out what
it was because I was so damned angry. You're right again
but I'm confused, so, I'm supposed to let his accusations
and insults just go right through me? Stop explaining
what I really mean when I say something? (or defending
myself) And just let him go on having these rather dismal
opinions of me? Can a person really be happy that way?
I'm really trying to get this "I'm an awful
person" issue of mine out of the way :) but it's
really frustrating having my SO constantly throwing stuff
like this in my face. I am finding that I am starting to
think a bit more positive about myself but I still find
it important to know I'm okay in his books as well.
Bernd, thanks. Anger is a powerful emotion and it
really takes your self control away. I haven't been
working the way I should for days, just can't focus. You
offered some great suggestions and you make it all sound
so easy.When I think of using some of your suggestions I
get a big smile on my face not only because it will be
such a pleasure to see the surprise on my SO's face but
also it will give me a sense of self control. It just
makes so much sense.
From: Dean
Bernd, After reading your response, it really it home
with me. It is almost a exact replica of my relationship
with my ex-SO! I can relate to the hammer
theme.......both of us were brought up this way, but now
we have to find new ways to drive the nails straight.
Sorry to have butted in on your response, but it really
hit home!
From: Bernd
Just a quick one. I find that the "Go with the
Flow" posting by Aveena really helped me, and you
may find it helps you with some of your questions about
taking insults, and explaining yourself. If another
person "hands" me an insult, I don't have to
"take" it in; letting it flow OVER me just like
water takes away a lot of the sting.
Just imagine...someone calling me stupid, or a jerk,
and me saying "thanks!" sincerely! How long
would they keep trying it? Why would I say thanks?
Because they're helping me practice my "water
thing". I can't get good at it if I don't have
practice, eh?:) All for now. Looks like you're getting
some insights and peace. Good. You deserve it.
From: della
I haven't talked to my SO since the incident I
described above. I know if I don't call him this silence
could last....well, forever. In the past I have ALWAYS
been the one to make the first move to patch things up
and try to get all of the walls back down.(except once
when my 15 year old, without my knowledge, intervened).
So I'm thinking if I want to resolve this I have to call
him. My problem? I have no desire to call him. This is
the closest I have felt to being relaxed in the last
year. It's like taking a breath of fresh air. I just seem
to feel real empty when it comes to any emotion towards
him. Is that my anger talking? I'm thinking of just
letting this ride for awhile although I hate leaving
things the way they were I feel like I really need time
for me right now. Comments?
From: Bernd
I think the two opposing feelings you're getting
(wanting time for yourself, and hating leaving things as
they are) are actually 2 pieces of the same pie, i.e. not
as conflicting as they appear. Time by yourself will give
you time to look inside and see more clearly WHY you hate
leaving things. It might be fears of abondonment, or old
tapes playing that it was "your fault" that
brought you to being the peacemaker in the past. It would
make talking about what happened, and finding win/win
solutions for both of you harder, because your fears
would be more in the driver's seat than your inner voice.
I suspect that if you use your alone time to take a
breather, and also spend some time alone with yourself
checking out your feelings - or lack of them - inside,
you'll get some insight that will help you do whatever is
best for you next - whether it's calling him, or not.
Just try to find out what feels best for you inside the
best you can, and go with your best guesses. That's all I
can ever do. Those are my thoughts della.
From: cool
What a cool reply. Hey, you forgot to mention that you
can erase old tapes and make new ones, so that those old
tapes do not keep restricting your life (if you think
that there is such a thing as "tapes", and if
you think that those tapes mess-up your life). An easy
way to do this is to do intensive soul searching and find
out what those tapes play, and then re-condition those
old tapes into new ones. There are many differents
"ways" that people make new tapes, and you
should talk with others who you trust and who know how to
do it. If you do not know anyone, then try to find some.
Ask around, or post some listings on the internet, or
talk in the chat room. It is time to take control of your
life and not let the old tapes tell you what to do.
From: della
Did some searching this weekend and yikes! the things
that suddenly appeared in front of me were pretty scary.
I thought about what you said Bernd and took a look at
my past marriage and my current relationship. The
similarities blew me away. Both men are way above average
intelligence but not so high up on the social scale,
fairly strict disiplinarians (everything is black &
white, there is no grey where they live) , they are so
strong in their beliefs that there is absultely no
argueing with them, they are both loners and both are
very jealous and possessive. Both men on the outside are
the type of man you want to take home to mom. In a
relationship though the jealousy and possessiveness is
not something I find easy to deal with. And yes, I'm the
one who ended my marriage. A lot of mental and verbal
abuse towards my girls and myself.
So I think of Wolfies question to me "was there
something in my past childhood or life that made me feel
useless or like I could do nothing right?" At first
I thought no, my childhood was pretty normal. But I was
really a rebellious young girl. I put my parents through
a lot, not coming home at night, wanting to kill myself
because of a relationship I had with a certain boy, I got
pregnant when I was 17. Now, I look back on all of these
things and think they really helped me become who I am
today. Not in a bad sense but stronger I guess. I
remember sitting at the kitchen table on so many
occassions with my mom and little sister and my mom
saying things like "don't do this or this, you don't
want to end up like Della did", "Della has
always been the black sheep of the family"and other
things like that.
So I have to ask myself. Do I attract these men into
my life in hopes that by being with them eventually I
will see the light and be a "good" person? (in
my mother's terms) Keep me in line so to speak? As
teachers maybe? Another thing I find interesting is that
the only man I think I really love (and I still think
about him everyday) is so much like me. And so different
from these other 2 men. And yet when the opportunity was
there for us to be together I pretty much ruled him out
as bad for me even when all I wanted to do was work
through our issues and be with him.
I can't believe how this stuff is just coming out of
nowhere. My hand gets tired before I get a chance to get
it all written in my journal. Does any of this make
sense? Does anyone have any insight they might like to
share. So how do I go about taping over the old tapes and
getting on with my life. Have been practising the
positive re-enforcement thing. Are there any other
suggesstions people would like to share? Thanx yet again
for just being there to listen. And thanks for giving me
so much to think about.
From: wolfie
Dearest Della, congratulations on the work you are
doing!!!! It sounds to me that you are starting to see
certain patterns, you are starting to see what you are
attracting and why. You are starting to see what is
really going on within YOU. Because, as you know, it is
always about us!! These old tapes you talk about - we ALL
have them! That is what a "reaction" is. In a
sense, we have lost the moment - we are reacting to
things of long ago - our tapes are automatically running
- trying to protect ourselves. The first step is
Awareness - and it appears that your awareness is
growing. What takes practice is when you feel a reaction
coming, you take a deep breath - get back to the moment -
and ACT in the way of Love - instead of reacting based on
fear. It is a lifetime process I feel. I think it is
easier when you have someone - like some kind of support
group or therapist - to talk with and help you thru.
Anyway, hang in there!!! Awareness is a gift! And the
first step!!!!!
From: della
This morning I had to get up at my regular 4:30 to
deliver papers. I was a little late so I knocked on my
daughters bedroom door and asked for her help. (this is
only the 2nd time I have done this this summer) After
bugging her a bit and raising my voice to get it through
that she didn't have a choice she got really angy and was
saying any nasty thing I'm sure that would come to her
mind. In the end (I was standing in doorway) she yelled
move! and slammed the door almost in my face. Normally
that would have been my cue to react in a similar fashion
and lecture her on selfishness, respect, the works
followed by the silent treatment to try and keep my anger
in check and let her know she had pissed me off or I
might just let her rip and then she would really know.
Well, I took a breath and said "I am water, I will
not let her anger affect me, it will pass right through
me." So I waited for her and we eventually made it
to my route. For the whole hour and a half I just let it
pass through me and didn't try to make her feel bad by
being overly pleasant or overly nasty. I just enjoyed my
walk and the peace and quiet that I get at that time of
the morning. I really let it pass through me.
On the way home, rather than not speak I offered her a
cigarette. My daughter broke down in tears and said
"Mom, I am so sorry for what I said to you and how I
acted." Imagine my surprise. She cried all the way
home. When we got home she was still crying so I put my
arms around her and said "Angi, sometimes we say or
do things we don't mean or we regret, that's okay, it's
all part of finding out who we truly are. I love
you." (plus it was pretty early, even I don't like
getting up at that time) :) She cried some more. You
know, it felt really good to see that she was dealing
with her actions and what she had said and I wasn't. I
let her own her feelings. I can't explain how good that
made me feel and how much I loved her at that moment.
Too top the morning off, there was a beautiful sunrise
so I went back outside. I just stood there and watched
and listened and you know, I really felt like I was part
of something wonderful, something beautiful.
Such a warm and peaceful feeling. Is all the work of
discovering yourself (the reading, the positive
re-eforcement, the meditation, the letting go, the
honesty, the hurt we sometimes feel on this journey, that
feeling of fear that might sometimes seem a little
overwhelming ), is it all worth it? YOU BET. I guess I'm
feeling pretty good today and I just wanted to share that
with you. I hope everyone has a nice day.
From: della
Talked to my SO on the weekend for the first time in
over 2 weeks. The first time we talked we pretty much
ended it and then he called me back. Said he couldn't
just let me walk out of his life. I can't seem to part
from this guy and yet we keep hurting each other and it
all seems so senseless. I have been feeling pretty
emotional since our talks...headaches, tears, the works.
What a wake up call. I seem to dismiss the men I have
relationships with so easily. I've gone out with this guy
for over 2 years and yet I can turn off in seconds and
just say that's it, I'm outta here and walk away. About
11 years ago I lived with a guy for about a year, my
divorce got too heavy for him I guess and he left. It
took me 2 years to even set foot out of my house. If my
friends wanted to visit they had to come to my place. I
swore I would never let someone do that to me again.
Guess I got pretty good at keeping people out. I can't
remember leaving a relationship since, feeling anything
but relief. If my SO hadn't called me back last night
that would have been it. I know I love this guy (I
wouldn't be feeling the way I do right now if I didn't)
and truly want him to be my life partner. I feel so empty
inside and can't bring myself to just let go. To just
love him.
I made an appointment with a councellor for this
weekend. I think it's about time. Guess I just needed to
say these things. Thanks for listening. Now I'm sitting
here at my desk at work crying again. Yikes. Must be
Monday! :)
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