 Recovering - Hern
For the first time, we (my wife and I) had a talk
about the feelings of the affair. A talk that did not
lead to a heated discussion. Before she was very
protective or afraid to talk. Yesterday, I started by
asking about little things that she did as a child and
progressed to our marriage. I asked he "How much
love does her watering pot has?" Initially, she did
not understand the question, but later explaining a
little of the action of a watering pot does to a little
plant that needs the water, she answered that the pot is
full.
What I am trying now, thanks to the various readings
that I have done here is to understand the needs she has
and that I was not able to provide so that I can be aware
of them. I noticed that she does not want to open up
totally yet, and I understand her better. She, as I am
going through, must be dealing with her feelings. Not
only being pregnant, but also with the guilt of damaging
our relationship. I think that it is in this area that I
need to be more patient. I am the type that I need an
answer that is immediate. I just feel that I can not
wait. Interesting, our relationship is turning into
something that I did not expect so soon. She started to
talk to me of every detail of her day. But I have to be
careful, not to push too hard on knowing what she has
done. She mentioned that she feels that she has too much
pressure and I do not understand why.
Now, the part that I do not know what to do is in our
intimate relation. She never initiated sex. She feels
that it is sinful. Sometimes she expressed that she does
not need it and that it is dirty. Since we are going to
the marriage counselor, we had made the commitment that
at least we do it twice a week. So far we had kept it but
I see her sometimes that she feels remorse. How can I
help her and myself in that? Am I expecting too much?
Thanks for your friendship and thoughts.
 From: Bernd
Alarms bells clanged loudly in me when I read about
the mutual commitment to have sex twice a week. I don't
know exactly what led up to that agreement, but something
here doesn't feel comfortable at all, at all. (Just a
note of caution: these are only MY best guesses, and I
may be far out in left field).
What strikes me is that your wife has some deep,
instilled beliefs and struggles over sex. I'd suspect
that trying to keep such a commitment sets her up inside
for almost certain failure, which is going to
significantly reinforce her sense of low self-worth. I
also suspect she might even reach the point where the
thought of sex makes her feel nauseous; she may be able
to suppress and mask that struggle for a while, but not
forever. To have sex, she has to split off a part of
herself that keeps telling her "she's a bad, sinful
girl". This to me, is dangerous for both of you.
I would STRONGLY suggest you get a second opinion on
how to handle this part of your relationship from an
experienced sex therapist. He/she may confirm that the
path you're taking is a good one (in which case you can
throw away this email). I suspect, however, that what
he/she MAY advise is working on building a much higher
level of non-sexual safety and intimacy between you, with
a slow gradual healing of sexual millstones that your
wife (and likely you as well) have been carrying for so
many years. Instead of a revolution, an evolution. One
where your wife and you are able to take each sexual
belief you have, hold it up to the light, and see which
parts of those beliefs are harming you, and which are
enhancing you. Internal struggle and turmoil mix with sex
like oil mixes with water.
One last note: as much as you want the pain of what's
happened to go away, and your relationship to get back on
track, one of the things necessary in a solid, loving
relationship is patience. The recovery process will help
you learn that, but it usually does so by reminding you
with pain and confusion when you aren't being patient. It
took Lynda and I close to five years. Let it happen at
the pace it needs to in your relationship, not at the
pace you want. My guess is this is the surest road. You
are off to a very encouraging start. That is VERY nice to
see.:)
From: wolfie
Bernd - I AGREE COMPLETELY!! I had HUGE warning bells
when I heard of this agreement to have sex twice a week.
My first thought was change therapists - because this is
not going to help either one of you. Your wife needs to
feel safe to just be herself in order for her real
healing to just Start.
From: mzet
You are definitively expecting too much too soon.
Don't even think about sex right now!!!!! I have not had
any sex in eight months with my wife since we blew up
over the affair, and she never had any kind of bad
feelings about sex to start with. If you don't build
intimacy slowly and solidly, with 100% of her free
willing support, you will continue to have problems. Sex
is, in my opinion, the icing on the cake. You gotta make
a cake first!!!
I know, one is so used to having sex all the time and
one gets soooo horny, but believe, you can control it.
And besides, it takes a huge unnecessary weight off the
relationship, particularly for her. I can't believe that
any therapist would recommend prescribe sex twice per
week if one of the parties does not feel comfortable with
it.
Be very very careful. Building the relationship up is
more important than sex. Be patient. This whole process
takes a looooong time. The best way to help her is to
give her space. Explore non-sexual ways of being intimate
with her. And be very gently and willing to step back and
away if she feels the least uncomfortable. Take care. Be
patient. :)
From: Whitey
I can very much identify with your spouse. Be patient.
Hope. Trust has been broken and that is not rebuilt in
one day. Betrayal, resentment, and anger can be
happening. Like both of you, my spouse and I are going
through similar things. We are going through a marriage
counselor. We are going through recovery programs, etc.,
I almost all the time, will not initiate sex. I am not
very good at expressing emotions - verbally or
physically. Then of course topped with the alcoholic
recovery icing and what the disease has done to my life
and ours, I withdraw more inwards for fear of feeling
betrayed and lied to again. Promises have been made and
broken. Dare I trust again only to be faced with yet
failure and disappointment in life? No one wants
disappointments in life. There is no worse feeling than
being an innocent recipient as a result of someone else's
actions - you have hurt her, she needs time to heal.
Perhaps for her, as it is for me, she wants to feel
the pain, the anger, the resentment, the sorrow of what
has happened. Sex just for the sake of sex or just
because your counselor suggested 'twice a week' is not
like an aspirin fix for a headache. Sex for some us goes
deeper than just the need, there must also be intimacy,
one that she may not be feeling right now. Intimacy's
solid foundation is to feel close to your partner, and
breaking trust which harbors other ill feelings is an
essential part of the intimacy which has just been
destroyed. It needs to be repaired and rebuilt. My
prayers are with you both.
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