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 Trying to get over it - Hurting
Dear Friends, I am sitting here on my 30th birthday
mourning the loss of the trust that I had in my marriage.
It's not like it just happened yesterday I found out
about the affair at Christmas time and it ended around
new years but no matter how hard I try I still can't get
over it. It seems to always be there just bubbling under
the surface. We have stayed together and it truthfully is
better then ever. I just can't figure out why it is still
such a major part of my daily life. I kept telling myself
in a month or two it would all be like a bad dream but it
isn't it still hurts as bad as it did the day I
discovered it. I am sure he is being faithful now and he
is really trying hard to show how awful he feels about it
happening but I just can't seem to let go. I love him
with all my heart and want so bad for our family to work.
I just don't want to be hurting anymore. I want to be
healing. Thanks for listening, hurting wanting to be
healing
 From: Cuckold
Hurting, It takes work and time to get over the
feelings of being lied to, manipulated and betrayed. It
will take as long as it takes to recover. Read the Aug.
20 reading. Ask for ways to help yourself. You may not
understand why it will work but others have been there
and now are in a better place. It gets better if you work
on you.
From: mzet
These are just my guesses and my experience. I know it
sounds very religious, but I can't help hide the
spiritual connection. It all kind of fits together for me
nowadays....
What I have learned from my wife's affairs is that
they completely shattered my sense of self, of security
and of being. Like yours, our crisis also came to the
surface in December. But I have had the fortune (or
misfortune, depending on how you look at it) that my wife
still to this day, though we are living together and
though the affairs are over, cannot or is not willing to
commit back to our marriage. She still is on the fence.
But that has allowed me to really concentrate on my own
path and healing without too many distractions.
Part of that path has been a conscious effort to
embrace the pain of having my assumption about fidelity
and the wedding vows destroyed by her lies, deception,
choices, etc. Like you say, in a sense, one mourns a
death: the death of innocence.
I don't think the pain ever goes away. I don't think
you ever forget. Paradoxically, I also think that our
ability to feel the pain of someone else's offense
against us is in fact crucial and essential to our
spiritual path. I do think, however, that once we are
able to go THROUGH it rather than around it, we are able
to remember the pain in a different, more benign,
thankful and productive light.
To remember the pain in this new fashion, I think, we
have to forgive. Forgiveness is a tough thing to do. At
least it was for me. It took me months to find a way to
do it, but I think I can truly say now that I have
forgiven my wife's infidelities. Again, remember that
this was my way:
I found fascinating, if you are familiar with the
Lord's Prayer, that it says "forgive us our
trespasses AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST
US" You see that? We are forgiven by God AS WE or TO
THE EXTENT that we forgive others! That was powerful to
me! That prayer could have connected forgiveness from God
to love or to sacrifice or or prayer or other things, but
it is connected to our ability to forgive others!
Because of that insight, and in a very indirect way,
my ability to forgive my wife, then, was caused by or was
an unintended consequence of my desperate desire to be
forgiven by God. I mean, I wanted to forgive my wife too,
in part because of that pain you talk about, but it was
precisely when I stopped looking for the way to actively
forgive my wife that I was able to really forgive. Does
that make sense? :)
When I completely let go and simply abandoned myself
to God, things started to happen. It was that connection
to God that fed and continues to feed, among other
things, my ability to forgive others in my heart. In
fact, I know that I am connected to God within me, I know
I am on the right path, precisely when I am able to
forgive. It's as if forgiveness is the external
manifestation or proof that I am not fooling myself, that
my spiritual life is not an illusion but real. I don't
seek to forgive. I seek God. And the closer I am to God
and the closer I feel and understand God's mercy, the
more merciful I am towards others, and the further away I
am from God, the harder it is to forgive. Simple!
Anyway, I found that when I could truly say in my
heart that she was forgiven, all the anxiety about what
she had done to me, all the pain , all the bubbling, all
the memories, all the heaviness, all of that was
transformed from a grub to a butterfly. I feel lightness
now.
You have a great opportunity in your hands because
your husband, despite the affair, looks as if he has
turned around. And you, despite the affair, or better
yet, precisely because of the affair, have the
opportunity to grow into a more perfect individual. God
sometimes shows us Her love for us by allowing us to
suffer. And she never gives us more than She knows we can
bear. Embrace this opportunity as a gift. You will come
out a better person, perhaps closer to God. I am
convinced that the ability to forgive is a gift from God.
She is knocking on the door. Take care.
From: Diane
Obsessing about your partners infidelity is natural,
and in my opinion, quite healthy. It is a very human
response to an incomplete puzzle, turning it which way
and that, examining it from all angles. Unfortunately,
this puzzle has lots of sharp edges, and the more you
turn it, the more you cut your fingers. Blinded by tears,
a resolution or solution is not possible.
Set down the puzzle for a bit. Look at your obsessive
thoughts as trespassers, crowding you out of your own
sacred space. Empty your heart and your head and make
room for yourself. Trust that your spirit IS busily
mending itself. And let it takes its sweet ass time about
it, because believe me, it will. This is an opportunity
for it to "overheal" past hurts,
disappointments, dysfunctions, etc. And it will, if you
allow it. Treat yourself gently, Hurting, and remember
"Do nothing and nothing is left undone" Lao
Tzu. Seems especially applicable for heart-mending.
From: Gandalf
This is a really painful experience. Trust is lost,
and something precious is destroyed. I know I can't
really feel what you feel, but I think I almost can. The
only thing I can suggest is to try to give him complete
forgiveness. If you try this and cannot, then pray that
God will give you this forgiveness. I hope that if you
can forgive completely, then the memory will leave.
From: Autumn
I have been dealing with the disclosure of my partners
affair for almost a year. It still hurts, it takes a long
time to get over the pain of betrayal. It has been
getting a little better in the last few weeks. I don't
think about it as continously as I did before. I can even
go for a few hours without thinking about it. What has
helped the most is that he has been willing to talk about
it whenever I want to. He will also answer any questions
I have. We have discussed the reasons why it happened. I
think that is one way to keep it from happening again, to
know some of the reasons why it happened in the first
place. That way you can keep from repeating your
mistakes. I have also found it helpful to read as much as
I can about affairs, this gives some insight. Also do
some things for yourself, your healing is the most
important thing. Good Luck!
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