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 Square One? - Damaged Shields
Well, I've had an interesting summer to say the least.
I finally moved out of MY apartment, and left my abusive,
grumpy, self destructive boyfriend. I even signed the
deposits over to him. I moved into a household (a friend)
and babysat her children all summer. One of her children
reminded me of the boyfriend I had left, he's grumpy,
abusive, angry, and he's only 9. I couldn't take it so I
moved out of THERE, and back in with an older woman
friend of mine who I've known for 7 years, and I always
seem to move back in with when my life falls apart. I'm
still unemployed, but making a little money babysitting
for another friend of mine. I made the mistake a few
weeks ago to go visit my ex boyfriend, and after seeing
'my' apartment, and all the things I left there (kitchen
stuff, etc...) and remember how nicely I had it all set
up, I got very sad, and he held me, and started telling
me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to do it
differently this time if only I'd give him another
chance, blah blah blah... well, I fell for it.
The first week was great. By the second week, he fell
back into his patterns, saying things that were hurtful,
and then basically squelching me when I tried to defend
myself. Also, has a collection of xrated .gif's from the
internet he gathered while we were apart. (this is one of
the things that made me not want to be around him before)
I just don't get it. When a man tells a woman: "I
love you so much, I want to be the one person you can
feel safe around, you're the best thing that ever
happened to me, etc..." Then turns around and is
verbally abusive, sneeks around on the xrated stuff on
the computer, stays up til 2:30 am 'chatting' on a local
bbs, gets defensive even when there's nothing happening
(like when I'm just sitting on the couch reading a book,
and he starts accusing me of having an attitude, then I
have to defend myself for something that doesn't
exsist....) The message I get is that he really DOESN'T
love me, and that perhaps I'm just in his way? Well, my
mom called me (across the country) her brother had a
heart attack and she has to fly to another state to take
care of him and her mom, and asked me to fly down to her
house to help her with the house and the kids etc... til
she gets back. I said yes immediately. My plane ticket is
for 4 months (if I can stand it that long) My boyfriend
doesn't seem to broken up about me leaving. But he
insists that we get married when I get back. ?!?!?!?!
I'm good, decent person. I'm intelligent, attractive,
and very caring and loving. Why would someone want to
treat me like that? Why do they say loving things and
then turn around and treat you like they don't really
give a damn? I guess I wish I could just remove that part
of my heart and head that thought there was a ray of
hope. I'm scared about going 'home' too. I moved 3500
miles away to get as far away from my family as possible.
I think my life is really becoming chaotic. I'm not sure
where it all went wrong. Thanks for letting me share. I
need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I'm so
confused right now. And the sad part is I don't feel I
have anyone to turn to. I seem to not be able to trust
what people say to me.
 From: Cindi
When I read what you had written, I identified with it
right away. " The message I get is that he really
DOESN'T love me, and that perhaps I'm just in his
way?"
I was going with someone similar. It has taken me
quite a while to understand that what he is doing has
nothing to do with me. What he does is not a reflection
on me as a person. He has his own problems, which I did
not cause, I cannot control, and I cannot cure. His
actions would be the same, with me, without me, with
someone else. They are his actions
You ask "Why would he treat me this way", I
am going to ask why would you let him treat you this way?
I am saying that because it is the same question I had to
ask myself. Then I had to start looking at me to find the
answers, and the reasons why my happiness depended on
what someone else did, what someone else said, and what
someone else thought of me.
I spend a lot of time and effort trying to change
someone else and thinking that I had to power to change
them. I spent a lot of time doing the same thing over and
over and expecting different results. The truth is I am
powerless over another human being.
We are loveable and we are in no one's way. I have
felt hurt and sorry for myself, because someoe else
treated me in a way that was not acceptable to me. Do
their actions tell us whether or not they love us. They
don't, their actions are the only actions they are
capable of, today, right now. But I know I love me and
that I will take care of me and do the things that are
the best for me. I will let other people have the right
to do the same.
From: Claudia
Hi Shields, So many times I have taken two steps
foward and one step back. I believe that is wheere you
are my friend. You ARE doing the right thing. You are
seeking to take care of yourself and you are reaching out
for help. You are right where you are supposed to be. It
doesn't feel like that when growth is happening because
change is usually uncomfortable. As I have heard so many
times though... we must walk through it to get past
it!!!!!
Why people behave the way they do to one another is so
hard to understand. Pride. self-will, self loathing, hurt
spirits and souls, sin... so many things combine that
cause humans beings to build walls of self and other
destruction. It is painful and it separates us from real
love... the kind that I believe we are created to enjoy.
We all are self serving individuals. For me to deny that
truth about myself puts me in the position to be
judgemental and proud. The difference for me today is
that I have a choice wheteher I want to relate to others
from selfishness or love. Many people I believe do not
have that choice yet. It can be received however by
opening the self up to love.
It sounds do simple yet it is so hard. Society has
provided us with such a shallow definition of love... a
love that depends upon feelings rather than a choice. It
is extrememly difficult to cchoose to love because very
often in this world that love is not returned. It gets
confused with feelings and emotion. It gets blurred by
dysfunctional patterns of relating that we have learned.
It gets twisted around so that once again it becomes self
serving.
The best definition that I have discovered so far
concerning the love available from my Higher Power comes
from the book the Bible. I am not promoting any
particular faith Shields... only a definition. It is
found in I Corinthians 13, the whole chapter. A very wise
person told me many years ago that this definition is not
only a path for me to love others. It is not a
"requirement". It is how I am loved by my
Higher Power and how that Higher Power wishes for me to
love MYSELF and others. It is not a one time thing that
hpeened to me. It has been a learning and growing and at
times painful journey. I had to challenge many many self
destructive messages that have built in my mind over the
years. The first that I am not worthy of loving or being
loved. That is a lie that kept me in dysfuction for so
many years. It made me unique and kept me locked in that
lonely place of false protection. It effectively kept me
away from the thing that I desired the most and which is
beginning to make me whole... LOVE.
I am encouraged by your continuos search Shields. I
offer my hand in love and support. We are not alone EVER.
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