 Post-Divorce Transition - Jark
I discovered that my wife was out of control and
struggled with it for a couple of years before realizing
that she had an addiction, and that all of her inner
striving was related to her childhood incest experiences.
I finally was so burned out and depressed I told her we
would both get professional help or we were definitely
getting a divorce. We began therapy, only to be told that
we were so screwed up as individuals, marriage counseling
was not possible.
I worked on myself, while my wife kept playing games
with the counselor. She ruined me financially. She
finally consented to be hospitalized, which only added
another $3500 to my pile of delinquent bills. It did,
however, make an impact on her. When they locked the
doors at night, she began to realize that she might be in
some serious trouble with life.
She began to make progress slowly. In the middle of
all this, I got laid off, learned that my Dad had
terminal brain cancer, I nursed him through his
transition and attended his funeral. I had to live off of
the food bank, cause I overqualified for every job I
applied for. Except for playing Santa Claus at the mall,
I could find nothing.
To make a long story short, I accepted a job 1000
miles away, moved there with my wife & son. I had a
hard time fitting in at my new job because the company
was a large, family-owned company dominated by a
fundamentalist religious sect. By this time, my 8-year
old son had developed signs of depression, continued to
mess in his pants 2-3 times a day, and refuses to do any
work in school.
I asked my wife to take a parenting class, which she
finally did, and I thought things were better. I asked
her if she would be willing to go with me to some
relationship workshops or marriage counseling. She said
she was not, that in fact she wanted a divorce. She gave
me custody, moved back to our home state, and the Divorce
was final on August 23, 1997.
Now I'm sorry for the long story. It's been a long
hard road since 1992. A lot of changes. In fact, I took
one of those stress tests based on about 20 or so
questions about events in your life. Well, my score was
way off the upper end of the scale.
My question involves my own symptoms. Ever since I
started getting better--stronger, less scared, less
depressed, etc., I have been sobbing every day. I do this
when I see a movie with any kind of tender scene, any
kind of adventure or scene depicting wide open spaces,
freedom, etc.. I keep thinking I will not need to do this
any more, but I keep doing it for about five years now.
Is this associated with the stress I've been under? or
is it a spiritual thing? Is it this stifling civilization
I live in, or is it just releasing pent-up emotions?
Please do not reply if you have not been through this.
Please don't reply if you are a religious person with a
theory to push. If you are a male and have been or are
going through this, I would like to hear from you.
 From: Bernd
What I sense reading this is a pile, and pile of
anger. And I suspect that this anger is VERY appropriate.
You have tried your damnedest to make some good come out
of all the shit you’ve been thru, but find that you
just get turfed on your ass again and again, no matter
how hard you try.
The sobbing makes a lot of sense to me. I don’t
know how much counseling you’ve been involved in, or
what areas of your life the counselors have delved into,
or what approach(es) they’ve used. What I CAN tell
you is that in my recovery work, most of my therapists
have missed the boat - and my current therapist, as much
as a Godsend as he’s been - STILL misses the boat on
some fundamental stuff that is happening inside me. But
the neat thing is that he reminds me HE’S still
learning too, which really makes our work a mutual
exploration.
The reason I mentioned all that is that, what comes to
mind in reading your post, is that you are still doing
most of your recovery work pretty well “alone”.
My guess is that the deep sadness inside you is very much
a reflection of this. I can’t do it alone, never
have, never will. That’s one reason I set up the
comment forum - because I didn’t want to “do it
alone”. The people that share here, that have become
my friends, are part of my sanity. I use real-life
support groups in the same way. My guess is that you feel
alone as hell. And it IS hell.
Reaching out is risky, but not reaching out is even
riskier.
Another thing I’m discovering in my own struggles
is that I still use my anger as all-or-nothing. And this
robs me big time. I need my anger to help give me the
energy I need to tackle things that are hurting me,
including old pain. I never learned how to use it like
gasoline - you know, if you explode a tankful of gas, you
blow yourself up, but if you explode it in little drops
in a car engine, you can go incredible distances in one
stretch? That’s what I’m trying to learn to do
now - use my anger in constructive ways, thruout my days,
harnessing it from moment to moment as I need it, instead
of shutting it off and having it leak out or explode all
at once.
One last note. I get stronger as I accept my weakness
more; I get less depressed by allowing myself to GET
depressed when I feel like it. It’s in my struggles
to shut down emotions I don’t like that they scream
out even louder. I hope you’ve found some comfort on
these pages, and hope you find the companions you need
and deserve to help you share this journey of yours. In
letting them share yours, you also lighten their burden
equally. Just wanted to remind you of that. Good luck.
Hope some of this helps.
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