 |
 To Bernd/Lynda - duped
What do you think is my problem? I lost the man I
wanted to marry a few years ago to another woman. I never
went to bed with him and he seemed to respect me for
that. We dated about a year and a half. It took me awhile
to get over him and then I met someone else on business
in another town and we just clicked. We both felt this
was it and have continued a long distance relationship
for almost 2 years. A few months ago the tone of his
voice sent me some red flags but we had been so good for
each other and I didn't want to see anything negative so
I ignored the flags, and partly because of the long
distance relationship, it was difficult to tell. Now I
have found out that he is LIVING with another woman and I
feel like such a sap. I did allow a physical relationship
on occasion and now I feel so betrayed, almost raped. I
feel the whole relationship was a lie and really would
like some advice in getting through this.
 From: Bernd
I think your “problem” is common to many of
us: what we have been taught about love and relationships
- by other people’s examples - has been sorely
lacking in the truths of how love REALLY works. If you
learn how to walk from someone who has a limp, chances
are you’ll learn to walk with a limp too - and
consider it “normal” - especially if EVERYONE
seems to walk with limps.
What I see happening is you approach love as an
all-or-nothing thing. When you get involved with someone,
your desire to build a good relationship is so strong,
that without realizing it, you look for all the wonderful
things about them and the relationship - and suppress
anything that might trigger alarms, fear, or problems.
All those things add risk, and I suspect you want to have
a good relationship so much, that whenever you sense real
problems, you look into your crystal ball and dread
having to go thru ”another failure”.
If this rings a bell, what is happening is that every
time a relationship fails, you see it as something
defective with YOU. I’d like to suggest otherwise.
What is defective is what you’ve been TAUGHT about
love. It’s hard to risk marching to a different
drum. But then again, think of lemmings. The one who goes
in the opposite direction is the one that doesn’t
end plunging off a cliff with the others.
I would HIGHLY recommend picking up the book Women Who
Love Too Much. It was a tremendous help to me, in
understanding my own patterns. I’d also suggest
taking time to simply EXPLORE relationships, letting go
of wanting one to last any longer than today. It will
help you be more honest about the problems - and the
blessings - of whatever one you’re in, without the
stakes you’ve been so used to. Consider each one a
stepping stone, and learn as much as you can from it -
with the help of others, perhaps a good friend, or
support groups (including online and this forum), or
both. Don’t look for the destination, just focus on
each stepping stone (if they were real stepping stones,
as soon as you look up to see where the end is, it
becomes very easy to lose your balance and fall in!).
Your soul will take you over as many stepping stones as
you need to, to prepare you for what you truly deserve.
And don’t despair - when we let our soul guide us,
it takes us to where we need to go faster than our brain
or heart ever could. To do so however, means learning
daily how to surrender to that inner guidance.
The past 2 relationships were major stepping stones,
and you slipped and fell in the water because that’s
what you needed to learn first, to help you find out how
to get better balance on the next ones. Let them go, and
look for gratitude that they helped you reach out for
some REAL answers, and a real desire to search. Better
now, than getting married, and discovering that your
husband has done the same thing to you after an
investment of many years, and having children suffer too.
You have a head start. I hope you find the courage and
determination to seek out answers on how love REALLY
works, and how it can work real magic for you - based on
its TRUTHS. That’s it for now. Hope something here
helps.
From: duped
Thank you for responding......I'll take your advice
and your kind words about me and try to make sense of all
of this. I must tell you , though, that I thought I was
letting my soul guide me this time which is what makes
this all the more difficult.
From: Bernd
Maybe your soul WAS taking you in the direction you
needed, but not for the reasons you thought. Something
about these relationships felt solid inside; search for
what your soul was really trying to give you in these
relationships, and when it's time, it will give you the
answers. In my case, my gut feelings are always bang on,
but my initial understanding of them is often way out in
left field. My pain is a way of letting me know which
part of the field I'm in.:)
|
