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 Feeling Really Rotten.... - PD
Well a lot has happened since I posted here last. I
did leave my SO, and moved in with the man I thought was
the love of my life. Then out of the blue, my SO called
to tell me he had read a book...Men/Women..Mars/Venus. He
said he had been wrong all of these years, and didn't
realize any of these things I had needed. He said he
wanted to try to make it work (we were together 16
years). All I ever wanted was for my marriage to work,
and I thought I had done everything to try to accomplish
that. He told me to get the book and read it for myself.
I did, and could see why he was thinking the way he was
thinking. The book was right on the money. It described
all of our needs, and how to deal with them. So, I left
the love of my life, (again) and hurt him more than words
can describe. I have been out of town, away from both
guys, for about three weeks now. I have never had this
much time alone with myself. I have been doing alot of
reading trying to get in touch with my own feelings, and
am not liking what I am seeing.
I am feeling VERY guilty about what I did to the love
of my life. You see, he made me feel exactly the way I
always needed to feel. Special, Loved, respected, and
appreciated for who I was...Unconditionally. My SO on the
other hand, NEVER made me feel like that. He says he
wants to, but I am afraid it is just a scheme to get back
at me for the affair I had. I just do not know if he is
really sincere. Being alone has allowed time to think
about all of this, and I am so afraid I am making a
mistake. I have made so many mistakes and hurt so many
people, I guess I am afraid of making another. All I have
ever wanted was for everyone involved to be happy. I WANT
to be happy, but find that I am miserable most of the
time. Why can't I just let go of all of these guilty,
mistrusting feelings? Thanks for letting me share this
with you. Any comments will be more than welcomed. Now my
SO wants to try to make everything work, even if it means
counseling, but I have to say, I do not have the same
kind of feelings for him, as I did for the other person.
I am having a very difficult time dealing with all of
these feelings. I love my SO, but I think I am resenting
him for all that has happened. I do not know if I can get
these feelings back.
 From: Texan
Understood...but don't feel guilty for what has
happened. Everything happens for a reason I guess, and
this is no exception. Give your SO the chance you two
have, and know that the other man will be happy for you.
Concentrate on your SO, and the love you still have for
him. Read the postings on forgiveness...there are some
interesting thoughts on the subject. Forgive yourself,
because until you do, you will never be able to move on.
From: kim (wolfie)
Dear Pd, It's nice to hear from you. Sorry your
feeling so rotten. Your feelings are NOT unusual though -
please believe me when I say that many people go thru
what you are going thru - many people feel what you feel
- you are not alone.
First off, your husband or your "love" will
not be able to make you happy. Nobody really can - trust
me, no one makes us happy. It comes from within us. And
sometimes it comes from going thru some intense work no
matter who you end up with. Sometimes we are afraid of
that - I know I have been. It sounds as if you are
feeling very "all over the place" these days.
That's ok - all part of the process. It sounds as if you
have experienced some patterns in the last few years -
back and forth. What are you really afraid of PD? What
are you running from. Are you running from yourself? I've
been there - I understand the feeling you have and IT'S
OK. Lighten the load on yourself right now and know that
it all is just helping you to grow and evolve and become
the person you are meant to become. PD, we are not
perfect - it is all part of the process - you are not
responsible for your husbands happiness and you are not
responsible for your "love's" happiness. You
are doing the best you can with what you have and it is
ENOUGH. You are enough. Lighten up on yourself right now.
I think it is great that you are taking a time out. It
is okay to say - I don't know. It really is - and things
will work themselves out. Your soul knows what you need
and you are exactly where you need to be - right here and
right now. Relax.
A pattern for me is my fear of intimacy or commitment
- the fear of losing myself- well I have many and I can
usually recognize a pattern. When I met my partner, at
times in the beginning I felt all over the place - I had
a hard time letting go of a prior relationship - it all
happened very fast - an ending, a beginning and looking
back, I don't think I really gave myself a lot of time to
heal. I jumped in head first and said - ok this is it -
and I tried to force away other feelings but it took time
to heal. I learned that I really needed to be honest with
myself first so I am able to be honest with others. You
see - fear is a big thing - we get afraid of not getting
what we want, losing what we have, not being loved, we
people please - all because of fear. But I have learned
that it is important to say - time out - and see what you
are really feeling - be honest with oneself so we are
able to be honest with others. I also feel Awareness is
Key. The more aware we are with our issues, what we are
allowing to run our lives, of our patterns (patterns are
great teachers if we get to the root of what they are
about), then we are that much closer to being free of
them. Also when I met my partner, the amount of love he
gave to me was so overwhelming - oh I was in love - I was
happy and I was blissful. It was a magical time (Deepak
Chopra just wrote a wonderful book "The Path to
Love") and it was truly blissful for me - but I was
also scared out of my mind. My capability to receive love
was very low. And many times I self destructed. Self
destruction is run by fear.
My relationship has been Very difficult for me PD and
very intense. I don't know what will happen but I try to
take one day at a time. I am also fully commited to my
spiritual growth!!!!! A book I found to be a useful tool
was "Kenny and Julia Loggins - An Unimaginable
Life." "Conscious Loving" was also a
wonderful tool. Well there are many books out there I
have found helpful. Try to just go easy on yourself and
take one moment at a time. Lighten up on yourself.
Meditate, go within, listen. Thy will be done. I don't
know the answer for you but I know it will be revealed -
of that I am certain. Just breathe.
From: Bernd
I know the struggle is very painful and confusing at
times. Just to give you a little more insight into our
situation, I have NO commitment to Lynda, as paradoxical
as that sounds. My commitment is to my inner voice,
learning how to trust it, and practicing on getting
better at understanding it. It’s that inner voice
that kept whispering “hang in there, it will be
worth it” when my logic interpreted what my heart
and head were saying as “get the hell away from
her”. Being with Lynda, sand staying with her, is a
very selfish act on my part - through my searching and
recovery, I finally understood that unconditional love -
a kind that was totally accepting - was the only kind of
love I’d ever be happy giving. I also got in touch
with a truth that whatever I send out is what I get back.
So whatever amount of unconditional love I want back is
directly proportional to the amount of unconditional love
I give. And because I can only give what I own, the
amount of unconditional love I’m able to give Lynda
is only as great as the love I give myself.
So my relationship with Lynda is the best mirror I
have of how good a relationship I have with myself.
Because of our history together, it would take me another
20 years to get to know someone else as well as I know
her, and vice versa. I’m not willing to wait that
long to find another good mirror.:) It may sound as if
our marriage is based on logic, and that is true, but yet
isn’t. I’ve found genuine love VERY logical -
i.e., it makes sense - but only once I surrender and let
my inner voice (and God) guide me to the real answers.
What I used to view as love was actually a maze,
filled with smoke and mirrors that led me down dead ends
and off the edge of cliffs, when I thought I was stepping
thru gates to paradises. As long as I was running from my
pain and struggle, I was making too much noise running to
hear the gentle whispers that were trying to guide me. My
true recovery began when I began realizing I NEEDED all
the pain and confusion I had, because they were trying to
teach me something very important. With the help of
others who understood that journey - because they were on
similar ones of their own - I was able to slow down a
tiny bit each day, and hear a little bit more of how the
whispers were trying to help me. I had taken 40 years to
get into the swamp I was in. I knew it would take me
years to find my way back out. The lucky thing I
discovered however was that my Higher Power knew a
shortcut out. What really happened is that it took years
to surrender my lack of trust in my HP enough, to let
him/her show me the way out. I’m on that path now,
and my surrender isn’t complete by any means, but my
life has immeasurably improved, without needing Lynda to
change a thing. The irony is that, because I haven’t
needed her to change, she HAS changed MORE things than I
ever dared hope in the beginning. That’s the miracle
that keeps unfolding.
Anyway, I know how tough it was for us, and I know
that you are going thru a very difficult time right now.
I wish I could be of more comfort and help.
From: PD
Thanks for your support and your vote of confidence. I
am supposed to go back home with my SO on Friday, and I
know in my heart that I am not ready. We just talked on
the phone a little bit ago, and just from the short
conversations we had, I really feel that I am making a
big mistake.
But, I have decided for now, that that is the only
thing I can do, for my daughter is there, and I have to
get back to her. I have been away from her far too long.
I am going to continue to search my inner self for what I
think is best for me, and not let my SO be controlling. I
have great reservations about this relationship, as I
always have. But I guess I HAVE to give it one more
shot....I really do not want to end up as one of the
divorce statistics, but I am not real sure of his true
motives.
So I think I should continue to work on me, and try to
make myself happy and find out what my fears are and face
them one by one. Maybe he will decide to work on himself
too in this process. He doesn't see things the way I do,
and I really do not know if we have the strength or
courage it will take for us to work all of this out.
I really admire Bernd & Lynda for their commitment
to each other. I know it must be painful to have to go
through all of that, and I am just beginning. I have so
many fears....so many I don't know where to start. All I
can do is take one day at a time I suppose, and pray that
it all works out.
As far as the other person that was in my life.....I
still love him very much, and it hurts me alot to know
that I hurt him. I know he understands all of this,
because he has told me. He even forgave me...which makes
me feel even worse. I guess I have a hard time
understanding how a person can be so hurt, and still
forgive. I am not used to that. I have a hard time
dealing with it. I guess I would feel better if he hated
me or something. Maybe it is that I have never been able
to accept someone's unconditional love before, and that
is why I have a hard time with it.
Well, I will keep you posted as to my progress through
all of this. Thanks again for your support....
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