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 Share your thoughts with me -
Luise
HI, I have posted here a couple of times, maybe a few
of you remember. I'm the one who has a 'good' husband
(i.e., provider, sense of humor, Christian man) but I
never have 'loved' him the way a wife should love her
husband. There are many and varied reasons for this which
I have shared but won't go into now. What I'd like to
here from others now about is this: we have a daughter 14
year old daughter who has been diagnosed with a mood
swing disorder due to lack of self esteem. We are going
to have her counseled by our minister and in visiting
with just my husband and I, he picked up on the fact that
there is not a 'close' father/daughter relationship and
that my husband should do more to show his affection for
her so that she won't run off with the first boy that
does! (This has been one of my fears also) Now, what I
would like to know is, before we begin counseling with
her should I share with the minister that this is one of
the problems that I have experienced all along between my
husband and I......lack of intimacy......or do you think
he can be of help without going into our 18 year
marriage?
 From: Bernd
This is a difficult one, but I’m going to try and
wade in with my best guesses. Just a reminder - I
don’t know how close to or far from the truth my
guesses may fall, so check inside for what strikes a
chord, and what doesn’t.
First, in my own struggles with self-esteem, I found
that my struggles with my underlying physical disorders
(depression, chronic fatigue syndrome) ADDED to my esteem
problems. I suspect that your daughter’s mood swing
disorders are primarily biologically based, instead of
“caused by” her self-esteem. That said,
depression and mood swing disorders are usually a very
accurate barometer of emotional struggles inside the
person. To make a comparison, a disease called shingles
is caused by a virus, but flares up under stress. Stress
doesn’t CAUSE it, but certainly makes it much more
prominent, and painful.
In my case, what has helped my depression the most has
been welcoming it as a very good barometer of my
emotional and spiritual state. Your daughter’s mood
swings may be just as good barometer.
If that strikes a chord, the $64 question is what is
causing the “storm warnings” in your daughter?
As painful as it might be to hear this, in Lynda’s
and my experience our kids have been very accurate
barometers of how good a relationship we have with each
other. When we were involved in silent wars with each
other, they were angry and frustrated openly. Kids
don’t know how to bury their feelings in the ways
that adults can. They always seem to be leaking out - and
we as adults have a tendency to try and
“correct” that, by treating them as if
they’re misbehaving.
Kids are very intuitive. When we try to project a
picture of “everything’s all right”, when
inside we know the truth is much different, their gut
feelings pick up on it big time. They have to make the
choice - daily - whether to trust their gut instincts, or
their parents. It’s a helluva choice. And it’s
an unwinnable one. It tears them apart inside.
Luise, it may very well be that your daughter is the
one who is helping lead both you and your husband to
counseling, without her even being aware of it. God works
in mysterious ways. In our case, we found that the more
Lynda’s and my relationship improved, the more our
relationships with our kids improved as well. It still
has a long way to go, but the changes in our kids has
been as miraculous as the changes in our marriage.
We’ve found over and over again that example is not
only the best teacher - it is the only meaningful one. By
our willingness to hang thru pain and frustration, seek
out others’ help, and look for the true answers
inside, they are learning to do the same. They are
gaining a belief in themselves that we couldn’t
instill in them on our own.
And we are learning tons from them. Anytime I want to
see examples of unconditional love, all I have to do is
look at them. As a parent, they should have fired me a
long time ago. Yet they still love me, with all my
faults, in spite of all the damage I’ve done to
them. They still love me. That’s it for now. Hope
something here helps, and hope you get feedback from
others that will help you find some answers, and help all
of you get more of the happiness you deserve.
From: mzet
I am not a psychologist, therapist or counselor. we
are who we are by virtue of our relations to others. we
are like an onion. you peel the layers away and you end
up with nothing. the layers are those relationships. who
your daughter is is intimately and inextricably
interconnected to who you are and who your husband is and
how you all relate to one another.
the symptoms our children manifest are, therefore,
caused by those layers. looking for the cause in just one
layer is hopeless. a more holistic approach makes sense
to me. therefore, I suggest your marriage also be worked
on. worse case scenario: it will not hurt her. best case
scenario: your finding workable solutions to your marital
problems may help her (and your husband and you!). what
is the risk? I think you have a lot to gain and not much
to lose. my guesses, anyway.
From: trish
Dear Luise, Just thoughts. First my heart is filled
with joy at how quickly two fathers responded to your
posting. I agree with Bernd and mzet. How wonderful they
are. Yes, dear one, a child "feels", they are
too young to define their feelings and react the only way
they know how, through their actions.
For you, dear Luise, you wrote,'I can't love my
husband the way a wife should love her husband'. My
thoughts, maybe with the help of a counselor, you can
begin to love your 'husband' as the person he is. Let go
of the "how I should". Love all the wonderful
qualities, and share them with your daughter. Put
unconditional love in your heart, and the understanding
will follow. Stop hindering yourself, with the 'I should
be'. Love the only way you can first. Don't put yourself
down for what you feel you can't do. Do what YOU can do,
and just simply love.
From: Josie
Hi Louise! Are you sure your daughters "mood
swings" are caused by " lack of self
esteem?" As a mother with two teenage daughters I
know full well about mood swings! In my daughters case it
seems to be connected to their menstrual cycle but if my
SO and myself are silently arguing they kids also tend to
'play up'. I read some research of the subject of young
girls and 'mood swings' and it advised taking a
supplement of multivitamins and multiminerals plus some
'Evening of Primrose' oil capsules. I tried them as well
because I felt sorry for my poor SO and 11year old son
having to regularly put up with the 3 of us having PMT
:)!! Well, I can honestly say that after 4 months or so
of taking the supplements our moods are much improved.
The other thing is that teenagers often feel gauche,
uncertain of themselves, fearful of making some social
blunder, looking a fool, or being laugher at by others.
In other words, up to a point it is a normal part of the
painful process of growing up, feeling some lack of self
esteem. Adolescents need to respect and love both parents
and it is extremely distressing for them to be involved
in quarrels or even the 'silent' type of obvious lack of
affection and intimacy between their parents. In a
sensitive teenager it can lead to difficulties in their
own adjustment or to serious emotional disturbances.
Because of the difficulties of self-expression at this
time, and particularly in early adolescence, thy may take
refuge in withdrawn, or 'hyper' type of behavior,
complaints of illness, or anti social activities. I feel
that your daughter's problem is part of what is going on
with the way the family interacts with each other as a
whole and because of this you all should go to counseling
together, if your husband agrees. It is not really fear
on your daughter to have to be counseled alone. This puts
a 'label' on her as if she was the only one who is at
'fault' and in need of change.
Luise... Do I sense a feeling of embarrassment on your
part about having to enlighten your Minister about your
marriage problems? Religious Ministers can be very good
at counseling people but perhaps in this case if you
don't feel you can 'open' up to him with your feelings
that it might be better for someone else to do the
counseling. I am sure your daughter can sense your love
and concern for her and that can only be a positive
reinforcement of your feelings for her. I wish you all
the best.
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