 Another Long Day - Lenny (kaatn)
I woke up at 3:00 am again this morning. Two weeks in
a row now and I can't get more than an hour and a half
sleep, no matter what time I go to bed, or how much I
have to drink. I need to find a way to quit this madness.
I have had three relationships in the past where I
loved and cared for the the person. All three ended up
the same way. I would leave for a week or two, and when I
came back they were seeing someone else and didn't want
to see me anymore. They never gave me reasons and I never
really had any closure to them.
When the relationship I had from '87 to '93 ended, I
was driven to CoDA. I found an oasis in the desert when I
discovered CoDA. It was a hard day in '95 when I had to
say goodbye to my home group. I moved to this current
city, but they do not have CoDA here, or anywhere close
enough to make it practical to attend (nearest ones are
across state). From the time I broke up in that last
relationship (June '93) until three or four months ago, I
have been pushing the few women who have shown any
interest in me away. Then I met a woman that my instincts
told me not to push. I was very guarded with my feelings.
Through her actions, she shown me just how much she did
care. I fell in love with her. We were planning a future
together with her three kids and the two of my four that
still live at home. I was over to her apartment one night
and left to put my youngest one to bed (school the next
morning). The last words she said to me that night was
"I love you." It was the last time that I seen
her.
About 2:00 am that day I left, the father of her kids
showed up. Don't know what they talked about, but she and
her kids left with him. I sit around now feeling very
confused and hurt. A day hasn't gone by yet where I
haven't shed a tear over it. I don't feel like a piece of
crap, you can always flush them away. I feel more like
the toilet, there for people to use and leave without a
second thought. I drive by her apartment every time I'm
in the neighborhood (she took nothing when she left)
hoping that I can catch her home and talk with her. I am
driving myself mad with worry and a very low sense of
self-worth.
I am hungry, but sick to my stomach when I try to eat.
I am tired, but can do nothing but toss and turn after
3:00 am. I have a job that I retire from in a month, and
I am expected to perform. I have a hard time justifying
my existence every day. I have survived for three weeks
now, but wonder how much longer I can go on with this. My
kids are my source of strength, and I carry on (minimally
at this point) for them only. They will not be here
forever, and I need to find a way to carry on for myself.
 From: Cindi
I usually try to share my experience, strength and
hope. I left a man who I had been with for six years
because he was a sexaholic. I made my amends to him in an
anonymous email. He has not made any attempt to make
amends to me.
The fact that he cannot say he is sorry for the hurt
he caused me, has nothing to do with me. It has to do
with the fact that he is unable at this time and maybe
forever to make those amends. It is his problem and part
of his disease that he cannot make amends to the people
he hurts. When we decide to leave a long relationship,
the considerate thing to do, is to explain why we left. I
had some fear of this man, so I chose to make my amends
anonymously.
That was my experience, my strength and hope are that
I am able to see that this person is not capable of being
there and it has nothing to do with me. I take care of
myself and tell myself everyday, that my HP has other
plans for me. I have to have patience, I will know about
those plans in my HP's time, not mine.
I am grateful that I found out about this man before I
married him. I am grateful for each day and the friends
that are there to support me. I can only let this person
go and let him do what he needs to do. That leaves me
with doing what I need to do for me.
From: Claudia
Hi Lenny, I am sorry for your pain. It is so very
difficult to offer our trust and have it shattered. You
spoke of the support that you received from CODA. I have
also had experience with CODA and found much help there.
It came about however that the groups in my area were not
well supported and eventually disbanded. I have since
found the same support and help in other 12-step groups,
especially AL ANON which is bringing me closer to the
real problem... me.
You also spoke of drinking. Lenny, it is a fine line
that we cross that can lead to dependency on alcohol. I
am 8 1/2 yrs. in recovery from alcohol abuse. I attend AA
regularly which has also been another tool to bring me
back to me. I pray that you will seek help from other
resources of 12-step help. The steps are the same and the
core issue remains our relationship with ourselves and
our Higher Power.
If you would like any encouragement strength or hope
in the area of alcohol, please feel free to ask me any
questions. I am grateful to the fellowship and the
12-steps for the healing that is taking place in my own
life. Peace to you my friend... you are not alone.
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