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 AFFAIR IN IOWA - TORE UP IN IOWA
HOW DOES A MAN EVER TRUST HIS WIFE AFTER SHE HAD A
AFFAIR ? I CAN'T EVEN MAKE LOVE TO HER NOW BECAUSE OF
THIS . I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD . I
FIND IT VERY HARD TO LOOK AT HER WITH OUT SEEING THE
OTHER MAN . SHE DISRESPECTED ME AND OUR HOUSE . I FOUND
THEM ON OUR COUCH . I NEED HELP DEALING WITH THIS!
 From: mzet
it sounds as if you just found this out recently. if
so, making love to her is probably about the last thing
you should worry about, particularly if you just can't do
it. don't force yourself (or your wife). my suggestions:
read as much as you can from this forum, particularly
the sections that Bernd has put together on affairs. many
of us have gone through the hell of an affair and have
emotionally survived. many have been also able to
re-ignite the love in their marriages, so there is hope.
it is perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. you will
go through stages of denial, anger, acceptance, etc.
remember, however, it takes a looooong time to heal from
this. it has taken me roughly 10 months to really feel
good about the choices I have made (I divorced my
unfaithful spouse), but it is very very painful.
also remember that you can only control yourself, not
your spouse. one of the first natural reactions is to
control, consciously or unconsciously, your spouse by
spying, demanding she break up, expecting her asking for
forgiveness, suggesting what to do or read, etc. none of
that works. you have to let her deal with her own
problems BY HERSELF. believe me, anything you do will be
interpreted as control. you will lose that battle. let
her go. set her free and concentrate on your own healing.
you are not alone. the pain, I know too well, is
unbearable, but that pain is telling you something about
yourself that you need to explore. take this opportunity
to do just that. feel free to ask more questions or give
more detail so I can give you more feedback. also explore
the possibility of therapy for yourself (perhaps her
also, if she is open, but don't make a big stink if she
does not want to go). write on a journal. take time to
let your rage come out, but not in front of her. I found
that lots of working out at the gym was a great stress
releaser for me. watch your diet. I lost 30 pounds
without even thinking about it, so at least an affair was
a great diet for me.
From: Bernd
Both Lynda and I can identify big time...I had 3
affairs, she had one. I needed help too, and the more I
reached out for it, the more answers I found, and the
more our relationship and the affairs began to make
perfect sense. The only way I know of back to peace and
love is reaching out, and finding out how to follow and
understand that wise inner voice inside of you. I'd
highly recommend taking advantage of every web resource
you can find on affairs and codependency (see the
Relationship Resources section), as well as getting a
therapist t help you sort out the massive confusion, pain
and anger inside. I didn't find our new beginning on my
own - it took every bit of reaching out, and commitment
to finding answers that I could muster. Unless someone is
extremely lucky, I don't know of any other route. Hope
you find some of the answers, comfort and support you
need to make it thru this very difficult time.
From: PD
Well I do not have the answer for you, all I know is
that it can be done. It takes some time, for you to deal
with all of the emotions you are feeling.
I do not know exactly what you are feeling, because I
am the one who had the affair, but I can tell you it is
not an easy road to go down, for you or her. After all
that my husband and I have been through, the thing I find
that helps us most in dealing with all of this is talking
to one another.Honestly, openly, and without judging. I
know that that is hard to do, and it can be very painful,
but it gets easier with time. After my affair, which
lasted 8 months, somehow my husband found it in him to
forgive me and start over. It was after the fact we
figured out why I had the affair, and have started
working on the problems that caused it in the beginning.
The lack of trust, honestly, intimacy between each other
and with ourselves.
I do not know what all of your circumstances are, but
if both of you truly want to stay together, it can be
done. It is not easy. There are still days when I want
just give up, but I find myself regrouping and
prioritizing my feelings so to speak. One of my biggest
problems was not being able to let go of the bad feelings
towards my husband. I have learned to just accept them as
feelings, and go on. I would get a certain thing in my
head and get consumed by it, and could not focus on
anything else. That is a hard pattern to break. Try
talking to her about it or try counseling. We have not
been to counseling, but have been reading lots of books,
and it has helped tremendously. Some of the things that
my husband did, (while we were separated) was stuck in my
mind too, and that was all I could think about. I didn't
know if I could get past them or not. But given a little
time, I learned to deal with the feelings of hate,
mistrust, resentment (even though I am the one who had
the affair)I suffered from the same types of feelings he
was having and still do. I have just learned to take
things as they are, because the past CANNOT be changed. I
just take it one day at a time, and try to make myself a
better person each day. The future...is what I am
concerned with now. I still think of the serenity prayer
daily....God grant me the serenity To ACCEPT the things I
CANNOT change, Courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
There are a ton of on-line resources to help you in
your struggles, I know they have helped me a lot. Hope
this helps some..
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