Re: To Bernd: Leaving?

Re: To Bernd: Leaving? ----- From: Bernd - Date: 03 Nov 1997

A big part of self-love to me is supporting other people's freedom to make choices they feel are best for them, and giving ourselves the freedom to make choices which don't depend on other people doing what we want. If your girlfirend or ex says she doesn't love you anymore, or doesn't want to be with you anymore, it isn't self-love to torture yourself over why, or try to find ways of convincing her to change her mind. It DOES involve asking yourself "what choices can I make to enhance MY happiness and well-being, without harming anyone else or myself?" Note that not harming someone doesn't mean they won't feel pain over your choice; sometimes they will, but it is pain they are feeling because their beliefs are based on mirages, not truths. For example, if someone says "I'll be unhappy unless you take me to Hawaii", refusing to wipe out your life savings to make them happy is a LOVING choice. The pain they feel comes from them believing that their happiness depends on other people doing certain things for them.

When Lynda decided to leave to move in with her boyfriend, I had enough therapy and recovery by then to realize the importance of doing the most loving thing for myself. Ironically, that choice was letting her know I was finally ready to accept the necessity of letting her go, to find her way best she could, without me trying to force her to go the way I wanted. I bought her a bouqet of roses, and gave her a card that said something like "I hope you find the path to happiness that you deserve." I didn't fake it, it was the truest acceptance I had ever known of letting go. Try to guess what impact that had on her later.:)

Hope this helps a bit.