Re: Give her Space

Re: Give her Space ----- From: mzet - Date: 04 Nov 1997

i think i want to emphasize what bernd says. i am going through a separation/divorce now under circumstances that are similar to yours, so i know how you feel. i had been married for ten years and have four children...

there comes a point when the initial way of hanging on to your hopes of a reconciliation hurts you more than helps the marriage. it is hard to judge at which point you are, and only you can make that call. i tried to hang on, living at home, for over a year until i decided to move out. i recognized that moving out was the best thing FOR MYSELF. not for my wife, but for me.

love is a tricky thing, i found out. you need to love without being attached to the object of your love. and the reward of love is not the love you get back from your spouse, but love itself. it took me a loooong time to internalize that. only then was i able to make decisions based on what was best for me rather than best for my wife. but the real paradoxical thing is that what appears to be conflicting interests, i think, eventually coincide. what i do that i know in my heart is best for me ends up being best for my wife and our relationship, eventhough the outcome may not be what i really wanted initially. success is not getting what we want but dealing positively and constructively with what we get.

how do i know what's right? i don't really ever know before hand, otherwise everything would be easy and this forum would not exist! but you do have a hunch, a little voice inside of you speaking in whispers that can guide you. in my view, this mess you are going through is really an opportunity to learn to listen to that voice, to learn about yourself, to reach and embrace a level of peace that otherwise would not have been opened to you. though it may seem impossble now, i am telling you it is there. it is a scary process and painful, very painful at times, but it is incredibly rewarding.

to the extent that this process takes place in you, you open the possibility for your wife to do the same search inside of her, to heal. sombeody needs to start that process, and it might as well be you, since your wife may not be there yet. if she freely takes up the challange later on, your marriage will blossom, like bernd's has. if she does not, you gain an incredible understanding of yourself and you'll be emotionally prepared to take on what lies ahead. either way it is a win-win situation.

take care and hang in there!!!!