Re: dealing with the guilt

Re: dealing with the guilt ----- From: mzet - Date: 04 Nov 1997

i can only speak about what your husband is going through because i went through it.

the discovery of an affair is the most brutal and painful experience that someone can be subjected to. your whole world comes appart and shatters right in front of your eyes. convictions about trust and commitment are blown appart. i can tell you that my moods swung from anger to violence--(not directed at my wife but at a sack of beer bottles :) to depression and suicidal fantasies for many weeks. i could not work productively for about two months. in general everything was really rotten. but at least it was good for my waist line, however, as i lost over 15% of my body weight :)

when your world of ideas that holds you together is shattered, it takes time, sometimes a long time, to process the new information, assimilate it and put everything back together in a meaningful way.

i think you need to know that only your husband can put it back together. he is going to need to reach deep inside and figure out what is best for him and ultimately recognize that you are only the trigger to that pain he feels, not the cause. remember, this takes time.

my suggestion to you is similar: work on your self first, accept that this happened and forgive yourself, understand why it happened, find out what you need to do to avoid it, commit yourself to a renewed sense of fidelity and love, recognize what was lacking in your marriage, think about how you can improve it, learn about yourself, etc.

protect your kids. i am not sure that infidelity in and of itself hurts them, but unless they are in thier late teens, they don't need to know now. they'll sense the struggle, however, so be extra loving to them during this time. encourage your husband to do the same. they are a bridge between the two of you and they want both of you together. it is that choice that the tow of you make that will shape their experience of love and the future application of that concept.

i think you can also, in gentle and non-overbearing ways and only if you really mean it, that you are sorry, but be compasionate. , communicate to him your and give him the space he needs to process his pain. i think eventually he will give you an opportunity to open up to him and he will open up to you, but only after each of you has been able to deal with the loss. i know that sounds so far away now, but it is possible. a mature love only opens up after one has been through crises such as affairs.

don't worry about his not wanting to complete the questionnaires. he may not be ready for them. it may be too soon. the wounds that the affair unveiled may be too painful still. give him time.

and hang in there!!!! i think you are in the right track!!!