Re: Need advice am I overreacting?

Re: Need advice am I overreacting? ----- From: Bernd - Date: 05 Nov 1997

You asked “Is it possible to have a close, emotional relationship with a married person without calling it adultery? “ Yes, it is possible, but in my opinion, only if the other person brings honesty and genuine caring to that friendship, and makes choices that help make the friendship ENHANCE the marriage (i.e., in such friendships, EVERYONE - including the other spouse - is open, honest, and genuinely caring about everyone involved).

This certainly doesn’t sound like the case with this man. My reading of him (my best guesses) are that he believes that his “happiness” depends on him pursuing any woman that shows the slightest interest in him, and using whatever manipulation - including anger - he can muster to get what he wants.

There’s a saying that the best trick the devil ever pulled was to disguise himself as God. When I hear of people in religious leadership positions exhibiting this kind of behavior, I shudder inside. They are able to use their moral pedestal to victimize others, and calling their behavior into question is usually very risky for anyone they’re trying to victimize. It feels like you are alone, and they have God on their side. It is a very difficult mirage to expose by one person.

I’d suggest talking to other women in your congregation, and trying to get a feel for who else feels edgy with him. You may be surprised at the numbers. Also, you may very well come across different degrees of sexual harassment that he’s pulled to date. It may be that everyone is feeling alone. Collectively, you would have a powerful common voice in bringing your concerns to the powers that be in the church, and bringing about constructive change, if you chose this route. Remember, when he stops victimizing you, he’ll find another victim very quickly, and then another, and then another. Think of times when someone hurt you, and other people stood by and did nothing.

I know that this is a difficult experience for you, and no one can tell you what the right thing is to do. But I believe you have the answers you really need deep inside you. It’s probably very scary to trust that your intuition is bang on here. I hope my response in some way helps you find the courage you are looking for to trust and really listen to that wise inner voice inside you.

Good luck.