Re: To Mel, Kelle, Luise

Re: To Mel, Kelle, Luise ----- From: kelle - Date: 05 Nov 1997

Dear Lost Love

(I'm hoping that alias is correct: I'm trying to remember so many things about your letters right now that I forgot your name!) Truly, though, I went back and read your initial long post; what a story! And I don't have time to carefully think through this response, so you'll have to bear with my wanderings. First, tho, I have to say that I rarely check in to this page anymore...simply running out of time! ...so it was really by luck that I caught your question in the first place. It was such a LONG time ago that I 'dwelled' here frequently; what a neat surprise to find your post!

I also need to admit that Luise and I got together--STILL DO!-- and we support each other (online) on a daily basis. To get to the bottom line, I will say that we both are still with our spouses (and more importantly, our families), and are pretty sure that it will stay that way (maybe I should speak for myself, Luise?). Like you, it's inconceivable to hurt so the ones that we love SO much (our kids.) No doubt, it was realizing that priority and the fact that we simply could not hurt them that held us at home.

NOW, with that aside, I want to say how much I am touched and moved by your letter! You obviously do love your wife, and all mistakes aside, your sincerity at retaining a relationship is so heartwarming!! I feel like I'm learning that SO many women are on the same page as Luise, your wife, and I, but YOU are a rare gem! Like MZET!!! As I struggled through the lowest point of our marriage, I would have LOVED to have my husband come to realizations that you have. I told him about this site, about my 'walk' towards making things work, but I never saw him make any similar efforts. The best I ever got was his suggestion that we see a counselor; other than that he apparently never viewed this as a big enough problem to 'fix'.

Part of the reason that I do not visit this ODAT site as much anymore is that I feel like I'm a slow learner and poor student. Bernd and MZET seemed so good and patient with me, but I just wasn't 'getting it'. I trust that they are right, I trust that there is something in my marriage that could be wonderful yet, but I haven't found it. What I HAVE found is a new way of looking at myself and my relationship. My husband (as of just the last few years) travels a lot as part of his job. He figured that caused tension, and was probably right...but I haven't ever admitted to him that the reasoning is NOT what he would expect. The worst outcome of it is that I realized how happy I was he was gone! A lot of realizations followed... and I admit that he was a little bit right, too, on the fact that I was also ANGRY he was gone so much. I run a business out of my home, so it's easy for us to abuse my flexibility regarding 'family things.' If HE has things drag out at work, he works late! (Friends feel sorry for him, I think he's lucky!) When things don't go well for ME, I STILL have to drop it and taxi children, etc, and deal with EVERY family crisis. The chance to get back to the work assignment is my own problem; how I WISH I could just stay at it until it was done!.......excuse me, I'm starting to vent now, and that's not where we wanted to go.

OK, so let's go back. I realized that my happiness was MY responsibility; that I couldn't look to Sam for my happiness OR my worth. Integrating that into my daily life has been helpful. Fortunately or unfortunately, I also have accepted another concept; I don't depend on Sam for anything!!! (well, I TRY!) I expect nothing from him, because anything I expect sets me up for being let down. The unfortunate thing is I'm not just talking about my own needs; I'm also referring to help with the kids, etc. I know (?) he would help more if he had time....but I'm not going to go back out on that tangent. (maybe I DON't know that!:))

Those are the first two steps. They have helped me come to the realization that I was stirring up a lot of my own unhappiness. While our relationship is NOT 'wonderful' right now, I do appreciate the 'quiet' state it's in. the lack of arguments alone is a good thing!, and sam probably thinks everything is all OK. But I can't say I'm in love with him...nonetheless I'm hoping this quiet and 'good' relationship will slowly develop somewhere towards love. At least now were starting from zero.

What about our outside interests (the 'other' guy?) Again, both Luise and I were convinced to move beyond that. My outside relationship was never at all physical, nonetheless it was SO hard to turn my back on someone who I connected with that much! It took time, persisitence, prayer....and Luise's help!! ;) I still see my 'other guy' occasionally through work, but so far I've done OK. Like with my marriage, my 'abstinance' there is truly a one day at a time thing! (huh! I always felt that way, and never really related it before to the very TITLE of this site!)

Man, you're going to write Sam now and ask him if I'm a serious talker, aren't you!?? :) I just want to encourage you that YOU are doing the right thing, and all that you can do now. DON't beat yourself up over the past; these traps are easy to fall in to and I'm afraid are way too common in relationships. Now your efforts need to be assisting you wife from falling into a totally different trap. If it helps, bring her into this site, too (just tell her to have plenty of time if she wants to talk to me!!!) I relate SO much to all you have written about her interests in this other man--I too could have been content just developing a warm relationship and was not seeking anything sexual. But MZET scared me straight and I pretty much just turned my back and continue to drag myself away.....

Hang in there!

kelle