Re: To Kelle again

Re: To Kelle again ----- From: Lost Love - Date: 06 Nov 1997

Hi again,

I went back to read your posting, and just wanted to add something else:

1)If your SO persists on not being cooperative in building up a mutual relationship, not waking up from his attitude of taking you for granted, short of leaving him (and please don't allow it to drag out too long, like in my case, because once the respect, love, trust, and need in the other person are all gone, it would be oh so hard to want to stay), use strong tactics. Tell him you almost left him once because of his neglect. Maybe even tell him that because of his lack of attention, you were feeling attracted to some else for a while. There is nothing like a little, or big, competition to get men's attention. See, men's insecurity again. But they really need shaking-up hard sometimes before they are willing to open their eyes to the wonderful wife they have in front of them. Once a married acquaintance of mine made a flirty remark about a girl I know. I asked him to remember who he is (married man with beautiful kids), and reminded him that he may already have the best without knowing it. I know it's true for me. That is, if you care about staying with your husband. Your feeling of independence is very healthy, but it should not be construed as a disregard for the relationship, and if the efforts keep going one way from you to him, over time, the one way would be you wanting to leave again. So find out if he loves you. If he does, then he needs to do his share of the work. Love and sex alone are not enough to keep people together. It is work that keep them in a marriage, constant work and as early in the relationship as possible.

2)There's been so much hurt and pain in my wife, I don't know if she'd be willing to even look at this site. She may perceive it as my trying to control or persuade her away from her desire. Her needs to be alone are actually stronger than to be with anyone, although I suspect she has very fond feelings for the other man. Or she may just feel, again. What's the point, it's too late, lights 're out!!

3)In spite of all her feelings, I feel like I understand my wife so well, I do not harbor any resentment toward her for not loving me, or even for loving the other guy, or even toward the other guy. If I hadn't been neglecful, she would still love me, and even if she found him attractive, she wouldn't leave me. Isn't that true for most women, because they are more spiritual than men, while we tend to be physical? But I do grieve deeply for the loss of my beautiful love story. I'm getting a little better at loving her just for her sake, and have accepted the fact that I may very well lose her forever. While I hurt and worry for my kids, I just care that she be happy. I had my chances and missed them, now it's her turn, or some other lucky ones (oh that hurts to even write it down...).

Best of luck to you again.