Re: Verbal Abuse Advise

Re: Verbal Abuse Advise ----- From: monstergirl - Date: 06 Nov 1997

In the interests of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater...I would say that if I ignore What?'s final, somewhat personal insult, I very much agree with hir post. Yes, some of us do unconsciously attract abusive people...but some do not. Certain types of abusive personalities are characterized by their ability to be charming, witty, and attentive, and the abuse doesn't show up until a connection is made. This is not the fault of the person who was taken in; we have all been fooled, personally and otherwise, by charm and wit.

Where we get into trouble is how we react once we *learn* the individual's true nature. Do we put up with it? Do we blame ourselves? Do we assume that it was "just this once" and that it'll never happen again? Some people don't. Some people protect themselves promptly and absolutely, and move on to someone who is charming, witty, *and* nice. Some people get caught up in drowning codependency and forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and swallow all the blame. I'd wager to say most folks are somewhere in between: When someone we've come to care for strikes out at us, we are inclined to wonder, examine, and possibly forgive; it takes some repetition for us to realize that s/he ain't going to change, and nobody's going to make us feel better but ourselves.

Just thought, without the insults, that there was a valuable point in there.

monstergirl