Re: Verbal Abuse Advise

Re: Verbal Abuse Advise ----- From: Lost Love - Date: 07 Nov 1997

Wow!

Seems this "verbal Abuse" subject and responses are generating quite a bit of interest! Kim, I love you for your compassion and helpfulness on this site, you are the perfect example of your own faith and belief, and I admire your strong sense of "community" and readiness to "lend a hand". I know that will bring good karma to you. On an intellectual level, I agree with you that we are all responsible for our own acts.

But on the other hand, as someone who grew up in a country at war, how do you explain the fact that numerous innocent kids got killed in the war because of fighting and bombing and shooting from the two antagonistic sides? Were they responsible for their own death, if they happened to be walking to school and got killed by a bomb, or a mine they just step on? Yes, there are definitely victims, innocent ones and guilty ones, and perhaps age is only somewhat a mitigating factor, for as we grow older and gain more experience, we are better able to tell when harm comes our way. But we cannot always know. When a robber decides to hold up a bank, and in the process killed a bank teller, she did nothing to deserve that. Karma? maybe, some time ago, she did or said something that creates a situation later that harms her, but who is to tell? Let's use another less drastic example. If a drunken guy came by a woman who happened to be on his path, got grabbed by him and got raped, was it her fault too, or should only him be shot for committing a despicable act? If we do not believe there are victims, then we would find every excuse to also accuse the raped woman for, somehow, in some manner, attracting the rapist. Oh yeah, may be she had mini-skirt on, or how about too much make-up, or maybe her earings are too sexy? Or maybe she's just too attractive? Ahah, she was born flawed already, for that attractiveness was what brought about the rape...I don't mean to be sarcastic at all, just trying to make a point. Even in a benign subject like adult relationship, I do believe there are victims sometimes, though not always. I used to think, for abuse to occur, it has to be deliberate, and usually in the forms of physical, like beating, shoving, slapping, etc., or verbal, like screaming, yelling, use of foul language, swearing, cursing, spitting, etc...

Abuse can also be in very subtle forms, and sometimes even unintended. Take my case, years ago when I acted neglectful toward my wife. If it happened once or twice, may be it was just a phase, a slump in any relationship. But if it occured years after years, on and off, and even when it was unconscious and unintended, it was a form of abuse. Who was the victim? My wife of course. Was she partially a cause of what happened to her afterward? yes, but does that not still make her a victim of my actions? Put it in a different light, if she did something wrong, would that give me the right to kill her? Of course not, and yet those things happened on a daily basis in our society. It just so happened that I was also a victim of her attitude toward my mom. So I do believe that there are victims, though not always well defined and clearcut...Who else are the victims? Well of course the kids, who didn't asked to be created. So they are victims of our inability to fix our relationship. Of course in affairs of the heart, except when things are good, then they appear blue. But otherwise, they are shades of gray and the field between right and wrong is wide and muddy and foggy (I know, you like to say there is no right or wrong in most cases). So I didn't mean to be mean to her, but things happened in a way that made her believe that I did hurt her intentionally. We have both taken responsibility for our respective acts, and to a degree we victimized each other (that's why I feel so guilty!!). When one forcefully subjects another to something that other person does not like or want, we have put him/her in a victim abuse situation...Hopefully, many of us would feel guilty about such acts. That feeling would already be a form of seeking forginess. We seek gorgiveness, so we feel guilty. When there is guilt, there are victims. Yet this concept of victim does not by any means invalidate your comments and views on the self.

Of course I can name numerous other examples of victimization, from the slavery trade, to senior citizen as well as child abuse cases...

Be well