Re: To Luise, and Kelle

Re: To Luise, and Kelle ----- From: Lost Love - Date: 07 Nov 1997

Hi there,

I'm so very glad and appreciative that both of you took the time to respond. When I browsed thru the archives, there was no knowing how long those postings have been there. For you to take the time to respond proves how big your hearts are. Your families deserve each of you enormously, and your husbands probably don't quite realize yet how lucky they are. One day, when they learn that you almost, or could have, left them, but you didn't, I hope they will then become enlightened (on the other hand, yo have to be careful that they don't feel ever more macho because they think "see, you can't live without me", 'cause that would be their biggest mistake). Hopefully it will be way before anything is too late. Please remember what I wrote to you Kelle, don't allow things to be in a one-way giving situation too long, you'd feel exhausted and sick and resentful and would want to leave, I'm afraid. That was pure conjecture based on my own experience, please don't be offended. But I truly care for the sanctity of your families, the stability for all children's life. I even feel bad when I know that my kids' friends came from broken families. It was not a matter of being condescending toward people who come from single parent families, it's just that I strongly believe that, given a choice, and all things being equal, a two-parent family tends to offer a more complete life to children. Broken homes will beget more broken homes.

That said, people should not be complacent, especially from the part of men. This is a situation I see happening too often, in my parents' family, that of my wife's, and numerous others, and then in my own family. It appears to me that even your respective SO may be acting rather complacent toward their spouses and their relationships, because probably in the back of their minds, their wifes will always be there no matter what. I went thru exactly the same mind set, which was a tremendous source of energy for me. It was to the point that for over 20 years, even with all the problems I experienced and subsequently buried deep in my subconscious, I managed to always feel great, never had sleep problems even if I had to get up several times to take care of our babies (I used to do that because I knew my wife is a light sleeper and would have difficulty going back to sleep. Later I deduced that her problems stemmed partially from being so miserable because she felt neglected by me). I never experienced stress, blues, depression, etc, because somehow, I felt that my wife would always be there for me. That's why, now that she has said she wants to be on her own, I'm so completely devastated. In a sense, your husbands' complacency may have been part of your responsibility too, because you allow them to be that way, while they ignore your feelings. Force them to face reality, ladies, you deserve it, it's only for your benefits, and ultimately theirs and your families too. They need to recognize that they need to give you more passion and love and attention, especially now that the relationships are still relatively intact. And when I talk about passion, I don't mean sexual, because it's just too easy for men to express that, since it benefits them so directly. No, I'm talking about the surprise visit home from work to be with you, holding you, chatting, or just be in your presence, and that's it. Not the routine flowers at the holidays and expectable occasions, but at times when you least expect them. Men are such neanderthals in that sense, and it wasn't until later that I learned such subtleties...Of course, it was too late, so now I'm left holding all these passion and loving feelings and attention giving in me with no where for them to go!! So I'll try to give some more to my kids, my parents, family members, including her family (ironically, I'm considered her parents'favorite son-in-law!! That's why I feel so guilty about not able to make their daughter happy...)

One of these days soon, If I may be so presumptious, I'll write to Kelle's husband (His name is Sam?), maybe you can show him the letter, if you can print from your computer. Sometimes man-to-man talk can be a little easier for some men. In my mind and heart, I just want to care that your kids will continue to grow up in an intact family, and I'm willing to offer whatever help I can, as a fellow suffering and humbled human being on this ODAT site.

Re your feelings toward your other interest, all I can say is that sometimes it is better to keep that a fantasy, since fantasies have a way of remaining nice and beautiful a long time, whereas reality may just destroy whatever beautiful image you have of the other valley, the one that always appear greener from far away. And then go back to your own garden, see the beauty in it, the serenity. May be it's a bit quiet, maybe it lacks certain je ne sais quoi, but not until you go thru turmoil like I do now, will you appreciate the routine, the normal, the boring. I would exchange with you your condition any day!!!

The only benefit of my pain and hurt right now is that artistically I've been extremely productive. I used to write poems as a hobby, then stopped because I was caught in the tread mill of live and family and work and work and work. Another passion is painting (both my wife and I are pretty good at painting, that's why we are so compatible). But again, until recently I have been too busy to do much. Now that I've been neglected and have more time on my hands, I've been doing more paintings, mostly abstract symbolism, reflecting my beliefs, my philosophy of life, my views of the world.

OK, I need to stop now. Respond only when you have time. Hugs to both of you. Be well.

Lost Love