Our marriage is crumbling into devastation ----- From: InSearchOf - Date: 08 Nov 1997

For all, for ME, I have been reading everything within these pages for several weeks now. The help and support is beyond my words. I have finally come to the point in my struggle to have the courage to write to all of you. I feel that I know all of you, but I do not. Now we will know each other. Here goes. Our marriage has been shared for 11 wonderful years. My wife and I have lived together for 13 years. We have two darling daughters, 7 and 10 years old. They are perhaps the most treasured gift our relationship has given us. I will always cherish them and love them.

I stumbled blindly onto my wife's affair 7 weeks ago. I was and still am in total despair. I had no idea that this could be happening to us, and try each and every moment to understand it, and learn its lesson. But I have few answers and many more questions as I struggle to cope with it's teachings. My wife has our home, and moved in with her lover. She did this two days after the discovery. I have grieved to great depths. In fact the bottom has yet to be found. I am experiencing all of the emotions that a hurt partner has. I think my wife is experiencing all of the same emotions too. But from a different perspective. We have done the best we can to arrange our lives during these dark days, to give our children the closest feelings of "routine" that we can. It has not been easy to say the least. I love my wife, I truely "adore" her. All of my spirit and motivation for life comes from being loved by her, and from me loving her in return. I have not been able to accept the ending of our relationship as husband and wife. I hope for miracles, and wish for "a way back". There does not seem to be one. She has told me there is not one. My heart and soul tell me otherwise. They look for answers and alternatives. None seem to possible, never to be realized. I yearn for guidance, and understanding. I stuggle in my loneliness for help and truth. Reality is not under consideration by me. I have not seen any light, the fog is too thick. I do not feel any understanding, do not sense any future. I cannot feel any hope, but none the less, have not allowed myself to discard it. I seek her back in earnst, although probably in all the wrong ways, to begin again. To rebuild the weakest parts of our relationship with stronger material, and to rely on the stronger parts to give us our base for new construction.

Within days after the revelation, I asked my wife if there was anything "WE" could do to work this out. She could not give me the answers I so deeply hoped for. Finally, after 5 days or so, she told me that she did not want to be married any longer. There was nothing to "work on" and she was..."very sorry". Before she said that to me, I had immediately sought help with a counselor at work, and purchased several books on infidelity and relationships. How pitiful I felt to learn that those books and their teachings were going to be of no help for us, because she was not willing. But I read them anyway. They offered me the insight into the how's and why's of unfaitfullness, as well as the opportunities for reconcilation. I began my search on the net to gain more knowledge and support. Then I found this site. I have done my deepest soul searching while reading the thoughts of all of you.

To me, our relationship and our struggle with this incrediable pain relates most closely to mzets'. He and I seem to be in each others shoes. Although my wife has only had this one affair during our marriage, mzets' feelings and struggles are mine, none the less. Last nite, I read the "on love" posting in the miscellaneous section, and it brought me closer to my own struggle than ever before. I am searching for the ways to "let go". I am trying to give my wife the freedom to make her own choices and seek her own happiness. To learn how to love myself, and let her love herself. She is not the type of person to read and seek help. She lacks courage to discover herself. She searches alone, with her thoughts. She talks very little to outsiders. She even talks very little to me, when faced with these "self examinations" and the understandings that are learned. I have not gotten to the point of "letting her go". At times I think I will never arrive there. The pain on that route is overwhelming. I fight it and battle it at each and every turn. So many roadblocks are encountered along the way. They loom so large, and present such challenge to my strength. Most of them feel insurmountable. I cannot bear to face them and I feel I will not be able to conquer them. Please excuse me if I ramble, or confuse my thoughts. For I am confused and not in touch.

My wife has not been able to talk with me about much of the struggles she is having within herself. She has many things to say, and many emotions to understand, but it is too soon for her and I to discover their meaning. She tells me that she is not ready to face them, and she tells me I am most certainly not ready to hear and face them yet. That is so apparent to her and I. I am not in an emotional position to discuss them yet. But I keep wanting to hear where we went wrong? What happened to us? What is missing, and what harm has been done? She and I agree that there will come a time, but time seems to be my enemy. It takes so much strength to endure time. Time seems to be creating... distance. The fear of distance between us feels as if it will do greater harm to us. The last few days though, I have become somewhat "silent" and have considerable trouble even looking at my wife, let alone, conversing with her. I am so broken, and it shows so pitifully in my eyes and on my face. I want to hide my despair in her presence, I want to mask my resentment and anger. I want to avoid unnecessary confrontations, and hurtfull words and expressions. So I have begun to hide, and withdraw from her. We see each other each day when our paths cross to take care of our kids and keep them in their routine. My heart thumps out of control on each and every meeting. She sees my pain, and I see hers. She feels my despair and rejection, and I have begun to wish her away and lessen our contact, so I do not continue to hurt so badly in front of her. Our kids have seen much of the pain and tension that we both exhibit. All four of us have been touched each and every day by this terrible situation. How long can we all endure these dreadfull moments? Why can't I find my "damage control tools" and alter the situation for all of us? I know that I cannot do this, for I do not have the tools for US. I only have the power to affect my own outcome, and my wife has the tools to affect hers. I know this is true. I know it is. I do not possess the "spirit of God" in me like so many of you wonderful people out here do. I have not been in touch with those feelings before, and that contact has never been established. That is one of the emotions that many of you speak of, that I do not have any experience with. I am trying to listen to my whispering "inner voice" for guidance. But so much backround noise is present. It's loud, at full volume at times. It drowns out my voice. Or confuses its messages.

My wife and I have taken some steps during these weeks that indicate that "all is lost" The house is up for sale, the kids are staying with her at her lovers house from time to time, and we have begun to search out information on divorce and custody. But until the house is sold, and our children begin to stay with my wife more of the time, our situation is going to be wrought with difficulty. Each day we face new obstacles in our lives and the lives of our children. It becomes harder each time, to set the course for the next few hours and days. We vascillate back and forth, in search of the right way. We have not been successful much of the time. Because I am so desperately confused at how to endure, I will hope that some of you will write to me and allow me to focus more on a given set of emotions and understand them more precisely. My struggles might be better served after I hear from someone, that can establish a point, a beginning so to speak, where I can name it "The Start" of this journey, and realize that there is understanding and truth in my future.

Bernd and Lynda, I have been so moved by your story and your thoughful touch to others, that I cannot begin to say "THANKS" for your wisdom, care and devotion to everyone and the stuggles we are all enduring. Please someone, give me a place to begin, so I can start this difficult journey, for my sake, my wife's sake, and our children's sake. Thank you... PEACE...Can it be found? InSearchOf

P.S. I'll be watching and reading!! ;-)

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