Re: back to you, KELLE

Re: back to you, KELLE ----- From: - Date: 09 Nov 1997

HI there,

I want to thank you for the kind words you reserve for me. I really hope I deserve them, if not now, then maybe in the near future. I just have to keep working on myself, I guess. A quick update on my situation: after more talk with my (still legal) wife, I feel like I'm giving up on trying to make anything work. Essentially she said that, if she comes back at all, it would be purely for the kids, and even so, she doesn't see how she can live the rest of her life with me. There's been just too much history, too much hurt on her part, too much pain, there is nothing I can do to change her feelings.

Thing is, she doesn't dislike me or hate me or anything, it's just she has absolutely no romantic feelings for me, so to imagine living with me with all the ramifications that come along with it, like having to be warm and close and holding and touching and be intimate, let alone having to endure sexual activities, is just too much for her. She would feel like she's wasting her entire life, since she had so few happy years with me already. Out of 20 years we were married, 12 were miserable during which she thought I had stopped loving her. It's scary how perception can literally destroy our relationship. It's not even related to real reality. But my actions didn't help, whether there was any reason or not does not matter any more.

Ironically, I just took her out to dinner on our 20th anniversary in September. This whole thing has already blown up, but I guess we sort of forced ourselves to celebrate one more time? We actually had a good time and good dinner, and she even asked whether I wanted her to sit by me when I held her hand. Or maybe at that time she was still trying to force herself to please me, I don't know. I'm not blaming her for anything, it's just so sad that our kids will have to suffer the consequences of our mistakes. Even though I'm willing to do anything to save our marriage, she sees us together as another sacrifice of hers and her entire identity, she would have no life anymore, it would be only to live for other people, for our kids. She doesn't even believe one should live just for one's kids, although it's certainly very important to her. I guess looking from certain angle, she may be right. Yet I couldn't help but think, even growing up as a teenager, that my parents should be entirely responsible for creating their kids, just like I would be now, and I would do anything to make sure I can give them the best environment to grow up in. It just happens that I do love my wife now, but I know that even if I don't, I would be able to stick around and do what I can to allow the love to gorw again. I know that the counter argument is that it's easy for men because they can practically have sex with anyone without having to love that person, whereas it's different for women, generally speaking. But that would be missing the point, because I've been monogamous this past 20 years, so I'm serious about committment! Oh well, I guess I'll just go on with my life, on to hopefully a more successful and meaningful relationship in some future date, and do my best to still rear the kids properly.

By the way, one of my thoughts is, once divorced, I'll try to work a few more years to save more money for the kids, then I'll take a long sabbatical from my business, and go on a worldwide trip by foot, train, boat, whatever, almost like a pilgrimage, to be a wanderer, to see the most remote parts of the world, and perhaps even bring my expertise to help people I meet along the way. I would earn money along the way too, whatever people can offer, whatever work I can do, I don't care. I want to see how I can survive in those conditions. I want to see the deserts, the mountains, the seas, the cold, the heat, everything, before I die. I want to meet as many people as possible. I also want to write about my experiences for my kids to read and learn, from my mistakes and my lessons. What do you think, I'm crazy or what? I feel like that's the only way for me to atone for my past mistakes, for literally destroying my marriage.

OK enough about me, I just felt depressed today so I had to vent. Hope you'll understand. By the way, you addressed your posting to Mel by mistake? How's she by the way? Holding up like you and Luise?