Re: Our marriage is crumbling into devastation ----- From: Lost Love - Date: 10 Nov 1997

Hi,

The details of our respective situations may be different, but the pain and hurt and transition and potential outcome may be similar. I don't know if you've read my earlier postings, but I too am losing my wife. She's in love with someone else, but that's not the worst news. She also said she doesn't love me any more, after 20 years of marriage, 25 of friendship (We were best friends in high school), and two beautiful kids. Then she said she doesn't want to live with me any more, that there is nothing I can do that would change her feelings, that she doesn't want to work at this marriage any more, etc... Yet I cannot even blame her. Because the worst is to know that, at a minimum, I was at least equally responsible for the breakup of our relationship, if not more. Because I was neglectful of her for a number of years due to external circumstances. But I should have known better, since she is (was?) my wife after all. But meybe due to inexperience, immaturity, whatever, I was not acting the way I should have. By the time I found out and try to fix the problem for three years, she has stopped loving me. Once a tree is dead, how do you bring it back to life? It would literally take a miracle... In any case, here we are, like you, living separately in the same house, awkwardly going through the daily routine motion, trying to present as normal a life as possible for the kids, while trying to sell our house so we can move out to separate places, then try to arrange the children's schedule to again disrupt their life the least possible. It hurts so much, it's not just mental, but really physical, your heart, your brain, your stomach, everything hurts... At the same time, I'm really starting to learn to let go, and have started to think of the future without her. The most difficult thing are the kids of course. Then the sense of guilt, which is racking me to the core. Oh I know very well what you and others are going through now, more than ever. I really sympathize with you. I'm still going through daily episodes of depression, it's almost like you have no control over it, it comes and goes unannounced and hits you by surprise. Sometimes I'm OK, other times I can't help but cry my heart out... And then having to look at her, see her and see the cold face, even though she tries to be friendly, and sense her own pain and hurt, the feeling of utter rejection, of being second-ranked man to the one she loves, etc... Her relationship is still platonic, but for how long, nobody knows, but as she says, what difference does it make, once the heart is no longer there for you, then it's all the same. Even if she just goes to see him at a restaurant, it's still an affair, I guess, since she knows she 's in love with him and that's why she's there. And she knows that he "likes" (loves?) her too. But those feelings are still under wrap at this time... Still, the inner feelings, to me, are much more intimate than any actual acts. If she has sex with someone, but has absolutely no feelings, then I would forgive that more easily. But once she loves someone, then the lost is much more total, much deeper... The physical passion can not even start to compare with the mental passion. Truly, the biggest sex organ is between the ears... Sorry for rambling on, I just want to express my understanding of your situation.

Hang in there for your kids, they need you now more than ever, and if you can, see if you can have at least equal custody. Whatever, try not to make it into a big fight, because the biggest losers would be your kids.

Be well.

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