Re: Hurt and Confused.....

Re: Hurt and Confused..... ----- From: Bernd - Date: 10 Nov 1997

You mentioned "I would be there with him, no matter what". Both of you are having a struggle over your true values inside. You both have a chance here to rediscover what commitment really is - he in commiting to be monogamous, and you in follwoing your commitment to "be there, no matter what".

First, I think EVERYONE needs time to process the agony, rage, and swirl of other emotions they have when they discover their partner has been unfaithful. It's a huge shock, so give yourself time to feel all those emotions, all the seeming craziness, and disoreintation. It's a NATURAL part of the grieving process, and you need it, as a human being.

No one can make the decision of whether to leave or stay, except for you...and there is no right or wrong choice. Each one brings a mixture of results - some you'll like, others you won't.

If you decide to try and repair the relationship, I see some positive things going for each of you. First, he volunteered the info, which in my opinion is definitely preferable to having it kept secret and growing in its destructive power. Second, his conscience seems to be working well, and he is allowing himself to feel his own pain, which is trying to be a valuable teacher to him. If you want soem inspiration, visit the Recovering Couples Anonymous page, and read some of the true stories there dealing with infidelity. They are very inspiring.

If both of you use this flashfire in your relationship to do some serious searching into what love really is, and how good relationships really work (thru books, therapy, etc.), you'll discover a diamond wrapped in barbed wire. Lynda's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me, in hindsight. The lessons I learned since it have transformed my life - and our marriage - in ways I could never have imagined.

But this stage is very, very hard for you, I know. Try to keep your focus on today, and do what you need to today, and deal with tomorrow when it comes. No matter how much we might try to peer into the future (eg., will I ever be able to trust again?, etc.), I don't know of any crystal ball that works. Lynda and I have a foundation of trust now that is more rock solid than anything we had before. It's simply - I trust that whatever she does, is exactly what I need most! And it works! Neither of us want to be unfaithful again, because any affair I had would hurt ME tons! I realize that now, and she is aware of the same truth for her.

Anywas, I'll stop rambling. Just a gentle reminder. I don't know anything, all I have is my best guesses. So use what feels right, and chuck the rest. Hope you find a path that brings you closer to true happiness and joy.