Re: How will I know?

Re: How will I know? ----- From: Bernd - Date: 10 Nov 1997

You can go nuts trying to figure out whether your partner is having an affair, or has had another one. We know...cause both Lynda and I went kazoodles trying to figure out the truth when each of us was unfaithful.

The bigger issue here that I see is that you and your husband have some serious old wounds that are still festering badly. You can't force him to work on them with you, and it WOULD sure be nice if he did, but if he won't - for the time being at least - maybe the $64 question is: what can YOU do to get some relief from this pain and confusion?

In my own case, I found that therapy was a lifesaver. It gave me someone who would validate my feelings, help me find ways of dealing with the situation that helped, and took away a good part of my fear that I was in this swamp fighting alligators alone.

Your intuition is telling you pretty clearly that something definitely doesn't feel right. If you can trust that feeling, and use it to help you begin searching for answers on how to take good care of YOU, whether he's having an affair or not will become less important, than WHAT he's willing to do to try and find solutions to the gulf that exists between you too. I found that I had a very hard time knowing whether to leave or stay, until I had enough calm so that I could WALK calmly away, instead of running because I was terrified of the pain.

Dunno how much sense any of this makes, but I hope something I said here helps a bit. It might help you too to read the archive postings on affairs and trust.

Good luck. I know it's a tough haul.