Re: Moodswings - how to cope? ----- From: Bernd - Date: 11 Nov 1997

Diane, the sentence that struck me the most was “For no apparent cause other than moodiness?” As one who has practiced the “silent treatment” for years, I can sympathize wit your frustration, because Lynda’s been on the receiving end of mine.

I doubt that the cause is moodiness alone. In my case, my withdrawal was the only defense mechanism that ever worked as a child, and as an adult. We don’t keep using something unless it helps us cope, and we don’t stop using it until we find a healthier, more productive way of handling our struggles.

I withdrew because in my struggles with biochemical depression, every distraction made it harder to stop slipping into my black hole. It’s like going into the bedroom and pulling the pillows over your ears when you have a bad headache - except a headache is pain a spouse can usually identify with. But unless the spouse has their own struggles with depression - and UNDERSTANDS the true nature of those struggles - someone struggling with their own depression is confusing, and irritating.

Surprisingly, what we’ve found is that, when Lynda gives me the freedom to take the time I need on my own, I get thru it much quicker - and I’m less afraid to share my struggles with her while I’m going thru it. Therapy and my other recovery work has helped me tons in understanding the nature of this PHYSICAL disorder that has emotional symptoms. (Similarly, someone with Turette’s syndrome has symptoms which seem to make them obnoxious, but that disorder was grossly misunderstood until the last few decades).

I don’t know if biochemical depression is what your partner is dealing with for sure, but he certainly exhibits some signs that are worth further investigation. For you, however, if you really want to make some headway of how his problem affects you, my suggestions are to begin finding help in learning how to cope in healthier ways with his struggles. The irony is - in my opinion - that the less you are able to accept his struggles, the more he’ll try to “get rid” of them by willpower alone, as a “bad” thing. The more he feels responsible for your pain, the harder it will be to take responsibility for his own struggles, and the harder it will be for insights to leak up to his conscious mind from his inner voice.

There’s a lot you can do on your own, thru therapy, or reading books about depression and mood disorders, or all of the above. The more insight you have, the more empathy you’ll be able to give him, and empathy is a powerful form of love - for both of you.

Those are my guesses. Hope something helps.

Copyright Relationshipweb.com