Re: Moodswings - how to cope? ----- From: Diane - Date: 11 Nov 1997

Thank you both for the thoughtful responses.

A couple of more questions for Noni and you Bernd, perhaps Lynda could even add her 2 cents. I suppose my aim is actually selfish in a sense, his actions do and are affecting my happiness, yes I know its a choice, co-dependency, neurosis, whatever, but he¹s my husband, and I believe he (and I) would be happier finding other ways to cope with daily stuggles/frusterations that would not degrade the quality of our relationship.

I am starting to believe that men and women handle depression differently. I do not shut down, in fact I turn into very needy 6 year old. I have had chronic depression for most of my adult life and adolescense. The depression was not biological, it stemmed from a lack of self-esteem due in part to being raised by 2, and then 1 emotionally unhealthy (perhaps immature is a better term) person (no blame assigned, thats why I say -in part- just wanted to keep that clear!! :)), as well as undiagnosed asthma. I was on Paxil for a long time, and through much self-examination, reading, writing, alone-time, meditation, and a couple of crisises that kick-started me when I began to get lazy, I was able to get off of it. I maintain, I spin out from time to time, but I maintain.

The questions I have:

1. Bernd, did you feel actual animosity towards Lynda in the middle of a depression? Were your feelings towards her - go away, but not too far away? Is that you experience, Noni, with your husband?

2. Question for Noni & Lynda - would you get frusterated by the lack of attention, encouraged with a subtle sign, only to be rejected again? In the midst of your loved one¹s depression, would you say he¹d rather spend time with ³things² (TV, guitar, computer, etc.) than say 2 words to you?

I think the first place is to start with dealing with this is with me, how its affecting me, and then I will be motivated enough to examine closely and honestly the possiblity of him having depression.

A gentle suggestion to be screened is going to anger him. When he¹s needing to be this way, defenses absolutly FLY. I would rather get facts first, solid evidence, and then present it to him.

I don¹t want to play God by thinking I now what¹s the best for him. What I do want is to offer him to tools to get out of this murky black pit if he feels he is suffering unneccessarily.

Thank you all for listening. It¹s very confusing when there are strong emotional ties to someone who is in pain, and not confusing thier pain with yours. I feel so much better just writing about it.

Thanks again all -

Kindest regards - Diane

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