Re: Moodswings - how to cope? ----- From: trish - Date: 11 Nov 1997

Hey Diane,

I've got a strange reply for ya, so hold on to your seat.

First, you probably don't know that you have been part of my heart for several weeks now. It was your post that drew me to post to the board the first time.

A little refresher: I have a dear friend, sweet, loving, responsible, good to the core. We work in offices in the same office building. We came into each others lives during 'down' times in both our lives. She was in a troubled marriage, and had been keeping it all inside. One day, she began to share her hurt. That sharing was the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

I found this site, in search of words of comfort for my dear friend. Go ahead and laugh, but I thought this was a bernd/lynda page. I had marked the site, and when I would visit (had only saw lynda a couple of times on the current page, didn't know there was so much more to this site) I would immediately goto a bernd posting. I thought he was incredible and still do. Anyway, there was a posting about 'hanging on or letting go', I don't even think I read the post, just read bernd's reply (like I said, I hadn't a clue as to what this site was about). Somewhere down the writing it said something like, why don't you just stay, and learn about yourself. Well, I knew my friend wasn't going to leave or divorce her husband, so I printed the reply and took it to her the next day, and said I know all this doesn't have anything to do with what you are going through, but read the part about staying and learning about yourself.

My dear friend and her husband married very young, he, a gifted musician, voice like Delbert McClinton/Mellancamp, blues, just wonderful.

At a birthday party, in early August of this year, he and his band were performing for his sister-in-law. Just after singing one of his favorite tunes, he fell over instantly and died of a massive heart attack.

Sometime in September, I was searching the web and came back to this site for some reason and saw one of your postings. That was on a Friday night, I tossed and turned all night, and the next day was driven to reply, with of course my dear friends situation filling my thoughts. I went on to post a message to the board about my dear friends situation.

About a week passed and my friend and I went to lunch and as we sat I shared with her what I had done, and repeated word for word what I had posted. I said, I hope I didn't overstep, she said, no, not at all, please write what ever you want. But first Diane, I told her briefly what you had posted, and there was great concern on her face, then I went on to tell her about my post.

Since that time in early September, if I remember right, till today, all I have shared with her, is that I had found a wonderful forum, full of loving friends. Her eyes would open wide with interest. Then I would say, when are you going to get a home pc. WELL, last Friday, she said, she and the kids wanted to get one by Christmas. I know that soon, she will be part of our family and I have deliberatly not shared postings and replies. I want her to get to know everyone through her eyes, and not mine. One more thing before I get to why I'm here. A few weeks ago, she said to me one day, friend, you are so much calmer, I said I know, I found a family, we're waiting for you.

NOW......I read your post last night and this morning, after my friend got to work, I called next door where she works, and asked if she had a minute to talk. I said friend, remember the woman I told you about back when that was to marry a musician, and did get married, she said yes, I said well she posted last night and you need to share with her, do you think we would have time during our 1 hour lunch break to goto my house and you read and reply. Well, first we both realized 1 hour would never be enough time, so I told her what you wrote. Diane, bless her heart, she goes, "tell her that was the worst thing ever, that is the time I took the kids and left. Everytime he got that way I would try to talk to him, and it made it worse, the arguments were terrible. Then the silent treatments would stretch into weeks." Then she went on to say that it came out during counseling that her husbands father did the same thing, but when he went into his silent treatments, his wife (her mother-in-law) would cajole (to coax with flattery and insincere talk) him. She told the counselor she would not cajole her husband when he got like that, and the counselor said, of course not. My dear friend said that after that had surfaced her husband never acted that way again. (The silent treatments). He would go to his jam room with buddies, or to their houses to practice. Also she read the Venus/Mars book, and there is something in there about how men go off to their caves, and that part painted the perfect picture of understanding for her.

WHY am I acting as the third person here? Diane, you and my dear friend have much in common. I know in my heart that you two are going to blossom into a beautiful friendship. I know that when she comes aboard and you two start sharing, you are going to be a blessing to her, and at the same time, I believe she is going to shed some light on your 'musician' husband (she has much to say about that, it's good), and you both will laugh and see how much you have in common.

Friend, I am not here to say this is why your husband goes into silences every so often, and if our phones hadn't started ringing this morning, I know she was ready to open up. But it was a good thing the phones began to ring, because I know my dear friend's thoughts were flying today, and my heart says she should be sharing them here.

(Just for info sake, she has gone back to the counselor, when I asked her why doesn't she go back and talk to her counselor, she said you know, I can't tell you how many times I've started to dial his number, I was concerned about any anger that was hiding inside of her. She went and, said it did her good)

I've kept you long enough, and thank you for listening, again, you have a wonderful friend out there, that will be here soon. You are both special, loving women.

One more thing, just between you and me, she has alot of harbored hurt, and I know you are the one that will bring it to light, and in time it will all be put in is place.

Love, Trish

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