Re: Moodswings - how to cope? ----- From: Lynda - Date: 12 Nov 1997

Hi Diane, For most of the 23 years that Bernd and I have been together,his depression went undiagnosed,it was just the past 4years or so that we had a name for it. I was at the receiving end of the silent treatment for many of those years! It would drive me crazy,everything would seem to be fine and BAM...withdrawal,silence,and an unspoken anger that I could feel.

Naturally,my low self esteem would immediately blame myself,”it must be something I did”,I would question and prod Bernd to tell me “what was wrong”,but he wasn’t giving me any answers would then get frightened,my fear of rejection and abandonment would kick in and I would try ALL sorts of ways to “bring him out of it”,including using sex. when my sexual advances were rejected,then I immediately thought he no longer felt attracted to me,that he had someone else. As it continued would then get pissed off...I would get angry at him,telling him I didn’t deserve to be treated this way,after all I had done,If he loved me he wouldn’t treat me so shitty and block me out of his life like that,if he would just TELL me what was wrong I could help him FIX it!

Bernd’s addictive nature led him to withdraw into music,computer games,women,and computer chat rooms,all of which I took as a personal slam against me. I wanted so much to go out and do something togetherness a couple,but for the most part,his unnamed depression would not allow him to climb out of the hole he was in for very long.

Strangely,it was only after my affair,and the horrific pain and dark days I spent in my OWN hell,that I began to have any kind of empathy for just how depression worked. It was around this time that he was diagnosed and we had a “name” for it,and I began to read up on depression and how it robs so many people of living. I spent many sessions with my councilor hating depression,screaming about it,wanting it out of my life! One day I realized that I was ALLOWING Bernds depression rob me out of living,I was giving it much more power than it really had.

Once I decided to not allow myself to be drawn into the swamp with him the REAL work began! I had to hang with the feelings I felt when I felt rejected,when he withdrew,and see what they were telling me about ME....it was soooo hard to ALLOW myself to really feel these things and bring it back to me without placing blame on Bernd. It is still a struggle for me,but not half as bad as in the beginning,because now I know I have choices.I understand the disease of depression alot better and I can get angry at IT and not Bernd if I have to.I try to use these times to meditate,to journal write,and to have a good ol cry if I have to,but I also now try to let it go adn let Bernd have his depression for as long as he needs without me trying to pull him out of it...what Ws happening was we were both ending up in that hole,and with me in the hole with him to worry about he was focusing on me and not himself.....make any sense? I find that he now is able to work his way out easier without having me to get angry at as a distraction,and I am doing some incredible work on my self esteem for myself as a result,so I found the diamond under this porcupine for me!

one other thing that I discovered,with me,was that since childhood silence was “dangerous”..it was in the silence of night that I was molested and raped as a child,the silent dinner table meant rage was just behind the corner,the silence of sitting in my room waiting for the beating to start........I was not comfortable at all with silence! Once I was able to discover this part of me and determine where my fears were really coming from I was able to work on myself and leave Bernd to work on his stuff. We made a deal that once one of us is perfect,then we can start working the others program:)

It is tough,there were days that I wished he was an alcoholic because it was more tangible a disease,but as hard as we think it is for us.....it is hellish for the person suffering from it!

I don’t know if I helped any,but those are a few of my experiences:)

Hugggggggggggs

Lynda

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