Re: Hurt and Confused..... ----- From: Rachel - Date: 12 Nov 1997

Bernd -- Thank you so much for replying to my post. It shined a little bit of light onto an otherwise horribly dreary day. All I could think was, "Why did he do this? If he loves me as much as he says he does, if he loves me more than anyone he has ever been with, if this is the greatest relationship he has ever had, then how could he do this to me? How could he not think of me and stop?" I turned to my friends in my time of need and, as you suggested, plucked the positive and helpful advice from what each of them had to say. One of them, an older (40), divorced man who is an experience cheater was probably the last person I should have listened to but he really helped me see things in a different light. Apparently there is just some "connection" between exs, and in this case, sex was all Chris and this ex ever had in their 2-year relationship. They lived together for a long time but there was never really love, just sex. So when she needed to be comforted, it was the only way he knew how. It doesn't excuse what he did but I understand a little more. I also have to give him a lot of credit for telling me. He had no reason to tell me, I never knew and certainly could have never found out, but it was hurting him (and unknowingly, us) so badly that he had to tell me. I have to think that he didn't tell me to hurt me, but because he loves me so much he would risk losing me instead of living with a lie. The lie had changed his behavior, although he didn't realize it, but I knew, I just KNEW, that something wasn't right. Although I'm not thrilled to know what I know now, I feel a sense of relief that it is out in the open and we can work it out together.

Instead of worrying now about why he did it, I want to forgive and forget. I had one of two options in this situation -- I could end it with him and we could suffer the consequences of his actions alone or I could forgive and forget, and move on with our life together. I think if we can make it past this, we will have a much stronger relationship for it -- the "diamond in the barbed wire" as you so eloquently put it. I believe he is truly sorry and this has been tearing him up so much, making him feel so horribly about himself, that I seriously doubt he will ever do it again. And if he does...I will know to trust that nagging female intuition!

He called yesterday and we talked. His ex had tried to call me four times to apologize but I refused to pick up the phone. Her apology means nothing, she means nothing and I want her out of our lives. I hate to ask someone to end a friendship, but in this case, I had to because that friendship is dangerous. I told him he had to make a choice -- it was either her or me. He said, "You. Definitely you." He can never speak or see her again and while I'm hesitant to trust him, this is a new beginning and I'll have to give it another try. Any advice on how we can work this out? Am I doing the right thing?

Copyright Relationshipweb.com