Re: Is my son the 'sacraficial lamb' to save the marriage?

Re: Is my son the 'sacraficial lamb' to save the marriage? ----- From: Bernd - Date: 29 Nov 1997

Here's some thoughts and guesses.

It seems like you have plenty of practice being a caretaker...of others before yourself. Do you have any options (they don't have to be terrific ones) of taking a vacation from care of your dad as well? Even a one-night sleepover for him once in a while at your sister's place would likely be helpful. And remember, if you wear yourself out and are unable to take care of him, he might fall in your sister's lap even more anyways! So she "wins" by helping you out this way. Maybe she does that already, I dunno.

Re: your son - your husband's example has taught him well that, when things don't go great, find someone to blame. I fail and succeed at everything I do...both at the same time. Huh? Well, I succeed because I could have done a lot worse, and I fail, because no matter how good I do something, there's always another level that it can be done better at. Being human means I have imperfections. Recovering, howeever, means that I begin to VALUE all my imperfections, and use them to enhance life, rather than a reason to kick myself in the butt. I'm not wise enough to judge anyone, especially myself. When others say I've failed, horray! It reminds me of my humanness, but it also reminds me that they have fallen into the trap of believing they are wise enough to judge others. Pain will eventually try to teach them that no human is capable of that level of wisdom.

You asked "How do I allow feeling pain without the fears?". Byt embracing them, rather than running away from them. Imagine your gardian angel trying to block you from jumping off an emotional cliff, and you fighting with them to get out of your way. You can't hurt an angel, but every punch you throw keeps scraping more skin off your knuckles! When you stop fighting, and ask yourself "what is my pain and fear trying to tell me?", and then take some time to FEEL the depth of each by choice, the answers you are looking for always come - once you are ready to trulky receive them. You mention a burst of insight in another post - remember how warm and solid that felt, in contrast to the struggle that led up to it? That's your soul singing "yahoo! I finally got the true answer!" It's like trying to poke the end of a thread thru a needle - no matter how close you get, you don't get that "aha!" rush until you hit that needle hole bang on. In me, fear tells me there's an important piece of the puzzle I'm still missing, and until I find what that piece is, I'm in danger of taking the road to the cliff, instead of the road to the oasis - because both roads look so damn much alike!

Re: feeling terrible about the last 12 years....we can identify, because we put our kids thru hell too. Buttttttttt, once again, if we've done such a shitty job, where on earth do we suddenly think we got the wisdom to judge ourselves accurately???? I can't do anything about the past - except to use it to make today and the future better. And in hindsight now, both of us realize that our kids have gained a huge amount from our recovery, and what came before it. If they hadn't experienced all that shit, they would have never understood how powerful the miracle of recovery and example work. When they see other kids suffering now, they have emapthy and compassion for those kids's struggles, because they KNOW what it feels like. And they also have learned how to transform such struggle into joy.

Your son and daughter have many decades of life ahead of them. Every bit of healing you do will have much more of a positive impact on them than you probably realize right now. I suspect that God is helping you get base camp ready for some upcoming miracles. And you know, if Jesus had turned 500 loaves into 1000 when he fed all those people, people probably would have yawned and said "neat trick". But feeding all those people from just a few loaves and fishes made people sit up and take notice! Wow! My guess is that one day, your daughter will be telling her daughter how difficult her teenage years were, and how one day, things just seemed to start changing for her overnight, because all of a sudden she noticed for really the first time how much HER mom had changed - wonderfully. You'll see a look of radiance on her face that will just blow you away. I suspect as well that one day you will look in your son's eyes as well, and see a deep down love and connection with you that will sing thru your soul.

You said "I know you're human, but you have so much intelligence and a powerful articulation that makes an impact FELT." Remember the saying "what goes around, comes around?" That statement is more true of you, than it is of me (mirror, mirror!)! Scares ya and makes ya giggle at the same time, doesn't it???:) That's what ya get for throwing around compliments!

Hope something here makes you do a silly little dance:)