Re: Relationshiip after 9 years was misguided

Re: Relationshiip after 9 years was misguided ----- From: Firefly - Date: 30 Nov 1997

You are three weeks out from finding out about this. I found out that my wife had "fallen in love" with a friend of mine almost a year ago. It still hurts like hell. I found out a month ago that she had continued to see him behind my back during the spring and summer. It put me right back to where I had been before. It is SO DISORIENTING to have your primary relationship turn out to be different than what you had counted on.

My wife and I stayed together and now (although it all happened without me knowing about it) they both decided they didn't want any kind of romantic relationship. I didn't even lose my partner, and I'm still hurting, confused, feeling lost, feeling betrayed, trying to understand a lot of the time.

You asked why someone would do this to you. I wish I had a dollar for everytime I've asked myself (or even every time I asked my wife) that question. The bottom line is: he didn't to it TO YOU. He just did it. Probably mostly for reasons that have nothing to do with you. I know in my case my wife was struggling with passing a "milestone" birthday, feeling overwhelmed at home, needing to do something for herself instead of taking care of everyone else, feeling like her life was too heavy and not enough fun, etc. Although there were a few things about me she was dissatisfied with, these were mostly small things. We were getting along very well when she fell in love with someone else.

It sounds like in your case you SO (or is it ex-SO) had a lot more serious issues and concerns. He didn't need a deficiency in you to drive him to do this.

You sound a lot more together and rational than I did three weeks out. Hang in there.