Re: Reunited after his affair and I still hurt

Re: Reunited after his affair and I still hurt ----- From: mzet - Date: 02 Dec 1997

forgiving someone who has left behind his or her choices a trail of ashes, such as in the case of an affair, is, in my opinion, humanly impossible. it is not something i can do by myself.

it was only after i was able to look deep inside of my self to find that direct pipeline to god that was opened up by my ex-wife's choices, that i was able to forgive. i always say that it is not me forgiving, but god forgiving through me.

that space that opened up within me as i struggled with the pain, the images, the circumstances also unvailed for me that the act of forgiving the other is intimately related to the act of forgiving myself and, more importantly, the act of accepting god's forgiveness. i cannot forgive someone else without those two other items. the three go hand in hand.

finally, i learned that forgiveness is a daily task, something that, so far, has required a lot of daily effort and a lot of humility. forgiveness is not forgetting, it is really remembering in a different way. eventually, by forgiving in the way i mentioned, you really not only set the other person free, which is important, but you set yourself free. that way you remember without the resentment, the anger and the anguish.

i keep reminding myself that my spouse's affair is not about him or her, but about me. that tends to put things in perspective. you stop concentrating on the other, on what they did, on their reaons or excuses, on their morality of lack of morality, etc., and you start focusing on what the whole mess says about you, which is what you can really control, and, finally, you begin to pay attention to what god wants to desperately say but that she could not find any other way to tell you becauseyou were too busy focusing on other stuff.

my ex-wife's affairs were the worst thing that could have happened to me, but also, they were the best thing: i have found it to be a sort of calling from god to explore areas, such as forgiveness, that i would not have been able to explore otherwise.

i don't know, if i were you, i would turn the tables on yourself and rather than look for answers about what you can do to get rid of the images, the rage, the injustice, the unfairness, rather than all of that, i would start looking for the right question to ask, within you. the answers will then come almost unexpectedly, quietly, surprisingly, stealthily, like a robber in the middle of the night.

good luck. take care.