Re: REaction to post about cheating mate to Wolfie, Diane & Trish ----- From: Lost Love - Date: 03 Dec 1997

Bugga, Bugga, Dear Bugga,

Boy, your reaction to "Leslie"'s post was quite something, I wasn't sure what to make of it. I tried to visualize you flying off the handle, and I'll admit, it can be a scary thought...

Please allow me to comment w/o getting mad at me, ok??? :-)... From the tone of your reply, it would seem that you might have judged "leslie" a bit too harshly too fast. I think what that couple was experiencing was insecurity from both of them. I suspect that it was not so much he was trying to lie to, and cheat on her in a malicious way, that is, to benefit from his act w/o her knowing because he doesn't care about her feelings. From my humble observation, there seem to be a lot of things people do, both men and women, but perhaps more from the part of men, w/o telling their mate because they feel a strong need that isn't met in their relationship. Oftentime the main reason they can't bring themselves to tell their mate of such needs is out of embarrassment, or from a certain sense of shame, especially in matters of sex where there are still a lot of miscommunications, misunderstanding, a certain sense of deep insecurity, or of being afraid of being judged, taboo, may be too harshly, etc... The bottom line is they ARE afraid to talk about certain issues, usually because those issues have never been discussed before and they don't know how to bring them up, or they are so afraid of being misunderstood, mistaken for being a "pervert". So they end up "sneaking around" behind their SO's back to explore alternative avenues. As despicable as "leslie"'s suggestion may be to some, it had the inadvertent fortunate result that it opened new channels of communication btwn the 2 of them. As long as "leslie" realizes the wrong of her act, and her SO forgives her, I think it's ok for them. I guess that, seing how it helped them, she might be trying to be helpful to others who might feel unjustifiably paranoid about their relationship. She might have thought it was a way to dispel the paranoia and reestablish the relationship on the normal track. I certainly think the method is wrong, for it reeks of entrapment, and a much better method would be to come out straight and ask the questions that have been bothering us, rather than beating around the cyber bushes. But again, here is the flip side: the suspecting person is also afraid of appearing ridiculous, embarassed, in front of the suspected one if he/she ends up being wrong in his/her belief. So that person thinks it's better to find out for oneself w/o the other party knowing, saving the embarassment for both one way or the other. If caught red-handed, the suspecting person would feel her/his feelings validated. Then that person would have the choice of confronting her/his mate w/ the info available. If the info turns out wrong, then she/he doesn't have to bring the issue up, but try to open up the communications.

I'm convinced that "leslie" didn't mean any harm at all. Also we are all adults, I'm confident we are mature enough not to go down the same path....

I'm too tired now, I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow... Be well my friend.

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