Re: I hate this feeling!

Re: I hate this feeling! ----- From: wolfie (kim) - Date: 03 Dec 1997

Hi Cat,

I am sorry you are feeling so terrible. Of course I can totally understand why you are feeling as you are.

Some things to keep in mind. First of all, NOBODY can drive us to suicide. If we made a choice to do something like that - it is because we chose to - not because somebody is driving us there. It sounds like the guilt she has is SO overwhelming that when you are (quite appropriately) trying to express your feelings, she cannot handle the extra burden of guilt so she ashes out in the only way she knows how right now. It is manipulation - YES! However, it is the only way she knows right now to protect herself from extra guilt - so it is her way of screaming out to you how desperate and in pain and in guilt she feels right now! I'm not saying it is right - I am saying, that is where she is at.

However, it is VERY important that you are able to express your feelings and your rage. Being able to express is quite healthy!!!! Is it possible for you to go see a therapist ON your Own. I'm not saying to discontinue the couple's therapy but I would strongly encourage you to seek out a therapist on your own, or a support group. Or continue to talk on this board. If you want to vent and scream and get it all out - Go for it! There are many people here who have and are experiencing what you are experiencing. I want you to keep in mind that YOU are NOT responsible for the way she feels at this moment. You are NOT responsible for her feelings and it is not up to walk on eggshells. She may be, deep down, using her illness to keep you there and to keep you from talking. Whatever - I am not a shrink. The important thing is, you NEED to do the most healthiest for YOU at this time. Even if it means walking away for a brief time. You are NOT responsible for her feelings. The most lovingn choice you can make to yourself, is always the most loving choice for the other - even if they don't see it right away.

Secondly, ask yourself where your feelings come from. I am going to suggest that you always had these feelings inside you, however with her affair and all, your deep seeded stuff has just been triggered - has just been allowed to come out and to be healed. How does this make you feel? Have you felt this way before? What feelings does this bring up? Voice your thoughts out loud. For example: How do I feel? I feel betrayed and used. Have you felt this way before? Yes. What is beyond these feelings of betrayal? How does it make you feel to be betrayed? It makes me feel worthless, that I am nothing and not worthy of respect.....etc. etc. Voice this stuff out loud. Ask yourself if you have ever felt this way before. And allow ALL of the feelings to come up. Allow yourself to feel the rage, the pain, the anger, the all of it. Scream at God if you must! And when you allow this stuff to come up, you will be amazed at how much more calm and serene you feel. ONce the cup has been emptied, fill it with the truth! That you already are WHole and COmplete! That you are a BEAUTIFUL child of God - unique and wonderful and special!! Fill the cup with the truth of who you are and you will be healed, in peace, and untouchable by what others do or don't do. You will feel such a sense of love and safety within - the Spirit within shines forth, and you will feel free - knowing that nobody can ever hurt you again.

Just some of my healing experiences.

My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend, kim