Just want to say....

Just want to say.... ----- From: wolfie - Date: 06 Dec 1997

Hello All,

I just want to say that I really appreciate you all - The beauty that goes on here is truly remarkable and absolutely beautiful. My heart melts for you all.

You see, I have created some SERIOUS walls in my life. Was and am a very sensitive sensitive person - I felt SO much from all things around me - felt others' pain - felt INTENSELY. To survive, I put walls up, I became OCD, I became "in my head" for the majority of my life. Oh my heart opens so WIDELY at times but it frightens me.

My partner and I are doing well - we talk and talk and talk and the wisdom he shares with me helps my heart open more and more each day. I told him the other day that I want to get back into my heart (have been way too much in my head - that at times I feel nothing) so I did the ole affirmations and asking Spirit to help me open my heart. And bang - it opens INTENSELY. So in these last couple of days my heart has felt so open and it has been glorious. At times, however, I go right back to head (without even realizing it) and I can come off sounding rude, blunt, cold. I know I can be very cold at times. And in those times I don't feel.

Reading these posts this morning my heart is open and I just wanted to share how beautiful you all are. I am working on staying in my heart but it can fluctuate. But that's ok - just part of the process and I am growing.

But I do affirm that I would rather feel EVERYTHING than not feel at all. Reminders of my cat (who died in the beginning of this year) help me in this. She taught me so much - she was my mirror, my teacher and because I allowed her to come into my life my heart started to open (we can learn so much from our parents - did I tell you I am an intense animal lover) Anyway, prior to her, I didn't think I could handle having a pet (I love animals so much and I didn't think I could handle it) Well I allowed her into my life and wow my heart started to open. Off and on of course. And the clincher for me, was one day I was sitting there and she wanted to crawl on my lap - and of course I was just going to put her off -- geeze I was reading for crying out loud - why is she bothering me - she is too needy - (mirrors of me that I didn't like in me )etc. Well BINGO, it snapped and my world opened up. For some reason I didn't put her down but instead allowed her to snuggle with me and I saw me in my cat. I saw the little girl who just wanted to be held - and my perception started to shift. I saw that I was treating her as I was treated. I saw that the truth was: she loved me and just wanted to be held - my perception shifted and my heart opened sooooo wide. I never thought I could live without her - I loved her soooo much. And in the last year of her life, I tried to make it all up to her - I showered her with love and joy. She died in the beginning of the year. Her mission completed!

I realized it wasn't that terrible losing her. I mean I knew she went off to do other things and I KNEW she was really happy and I know without a doubt that I will see her again - she is just in another plane doing other things. SO, I felt that - geeze, I WOULD rather LOVE and Lose than not love at all. I WOULD rather FEEL and be hurt than not feel at all.

I wouldn't trade those experiences with her for anything.

So - to this day, my heart opens then closes but I think I have come a loooooong way and it takes time and its okay. I try, today, to not trust people or whatever, but trust SPIRT, trust LOVE. Because you can't lose in LOVE.

GEE, don't know where ALL of that came from. I just wanted to share with you that my heart is open and I love you all!!!!!!!

kim