Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: crushed - Date: 08 Dec 1997

HERE is a big one!

Being new to this forum - I don't know quite waht to expect - but from reading I see alot of great and true support... Here is my story - I will try and focus and remain brief!

I have been physically abused by my father as a child. As we all know this makes ones life very difficult - and even wking up some days can be a chore..let alone remaing and trusting in a relationship and oneselve - the doubts creep around every corner. I have been through my share of short lived romances and terrible shaky afairs. BUT I have met my man, John and we are happy - except waht continues to HAUNT me, my father and his unforgiving crimes. We have been married for 5 years strong - he has litteraly stood by me for ALL and I thank GOD for him everyday...Many times still even w/ his love and support I feel the yearnings to quite and give up. I suffer from depression, nightmares and MANY sleepless nights - waking in fridgid sweats - from deathly fear! I have been through HARD, LONG deep therapy - and even went as far as to CONFRONT my father in therapy for the wreck he has placed in my life. However he still pervades me and now 3 years after that confrontation and subsequent fall-out and random contact (he is very uncomforable relating to me - even though he took responsiblity) I am faced with MORE PANIC ATTACKS, being medicated helps but my fears run deeper than ANY magic pill!

My therapist suggest legal prosecution - to "empower myself" - but at times I feel it is just causing MORE PAIN (for myself and him) and feel that revenge is not really anything that would help me feel any better? Yeh I'm pissed - but maybe I am still really frightened of this man - and his POWER?? He is VERY domineering and easily provoked - I feel as if I could be responible for his "suicidal tendancies"! What do I need to do to MOVE beyond my feelings for being responible for his pain?! Shit he's the one that DESTROYED MY LIFE - at times I am so angry I could kill him - at others I only want his acceptance and acknowlegment of the PAIN he caused me (he has always passively put band-aids over such wounds) I definately need more than a band-aid! But I don't think it will come from him - EVER! So where do I go from here!

PS I realize this is alot - and ANY insight is much appreciated! Thank-you for this opportunity, LOVE TO YOU ALL,

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