Re: comes and goes...

Re: comes and goes... ----- From: Bernd - Date: 08 Dec 1997

Wanting to trust your feelings is as important as a toddler wanting to walk. Desire is the root of all learning. It’s okay to be confused about what you really want right now, and the mixed messages you seem to be getting from inside you. I’m going to give you a gentle reality check here. Lisa is capable of handling her own feelings, as much as you might want to “protect” her from the mistakes your fear you’ll make during your learning process. In fact, trying to protect her feelings makes it MORE likely you’ll hurt her, as paradoxical as that sounds. Imagine 2 toddlers, both learning to walk for the first time. Now, if one toddler spends a lot of their focus and attention on trying not to bump into the other, their fear will distract them so much from watching what their own feet are doing, that those feet will NATURALLY trip all over themselves. You can drive 2 cars at the same time, without having an accident.

Now picture those same two toddlers giving each other enough space to stumble without bumping into each other, yet at the same time staying close enough together so that when one skins a knee or stubs a toe, the other is there instantly to hug them, and each one is able to laugh with each other, and share their joy of taking each new step. Both of you are toddlers, learning for the first time how to WALK steadily on your own, so that you can walk close together with each other without constantly stumbling over each other’s toes. A toddler doesn’t learn to walk overnight, and neither will either of you. It takes whatever time it takes, but it WILL happen, and get steadier with each new step.

Your affair is like someone “picking you up” and carrying you. It lets you get back feelings of being nurtured, but it also keeps you stuck in the dependent stage - like a five year old who still needs to be carried everywhere, even tho his body is capable of walking on it’s own. We all have fond memories (whether conscious ones or not) of being carried as a small child, of feeling the warmth and closeness and safety of our parents’ bodies as they carried us. Part of us misses that, but another part of us realizes that we gained much more than we lost in learning to walk on our own, because our legs CARRIED us to our new wife, or girlfriend, and a whole new depth of life.

In learning to “walk again” on your own 2 feet emotionally, you’ll stumble often, and fall often, and it will be painful at times. But it’s very worth it, because what you will get in return is a new kind of life that can give you back everything you’ve been searching for, and much, much more. If you want to share that journey with Lisa, than make that choice. If you don’t, that’s ok too. Do what feels warm and glowing to you inside, and trust Lisa’s ability to handle her own path and learning in the same way.

Those are my thoughts and best guesses.