Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: Bernd - Date: 08 Dec 1997

A therapist is limited in the amount of help they can provide in ANY type of healing, including childhood abuse. No matter how good they are. Just like a general doctor doesn’t have experience doing heart surgery. Unfortuneately, many therapists are unaware of just how limiting their own skills are, and as such, try to help someone’s healing virtually on their own - which actually keeps their clients stuck in the swamp for much longer than they need to. I suspect that this might be the case with your recovery.

From seeing Lynda’s progress in her recovery from past abuse, my best guess is that therapy is only one slice of the pie - just like many different types of food are part of a healthy diet. She has done a lot of reading of recovery books, including some that deal specifically with abuse - including Courage to Heal. But it seems that, by far, the biggest help has been the abuse survivors support group she has been involved in. In that group, there is a powerful common healing process that takes place, and incredible empathy and mutual caring. Even if a male therapist has had past abuse experiences, a male can’t provide the same depth of empathy - any more than he can provide the same depth of empathy as a woman, for someone going thru childbirth.

I’m curious as well about any comparable searching your husband may be doing regarding his issues. If “you’re” the one with the biggest wounds (seemingly) in the relationship, it creates a power imbalance that may not be apparent on the surface. It’s been my experience that almost every intimate relationship has at its core “matched puzzle pieces”. In other words, when one partner is struggling with past OVERT abuse, the other is almost always struggling with their own COVERT (hidden) past abuse, which may have taken place in much more subtle - but just as damaging - ways. For example, even though it seemed like I hadn’t been abused, what I discovered was that my sexual self (boundaries and identity) had been twisted this way and that by the struggles my mom and dad had over the sexual part of their marriage (his affairs, her hidden anger and isolation, etc.). When someone punches you in the face, you have a distinct memory of why your face still hurts so much. When someone contracts AIDS however, then passes it on to you without your awareness, the damage shows up just as painfully down the line - but unless you know what illness was passed onto you, you have no idea why you feel so shitty all the time, after feeling “fine” for so long.

I’d heartily recommend the book Allies in Healing for your partner, if he doesn’t already have it. The more supportive he can be in truly constructive ways, the more both of you “win”. You may find him quite supportive now, but there is a direct relation between the AMOUNT of true support you get, and the rate of healing. So the more informed he is about what he can do, the more he gains, and you gain.

One last note. Don’t be afraid of leaving your therapist when you feel it’s time. If you stay with him permanently because of free choice, that’s healthy. But if you reach a point where it seems like you’re making little progress, and may need someone with a new perspective or approach, keep your options open. In 12 step groups, members often have “sponsors” - a personal mentor in the group that has a lot of recovery experience, who helps guide them. It is VERY common for members to “outgrow” their sponsors, and move onto another sponsor - not because they’ve recovered more than their sponsor, but because each person has their own unique experiences and insights, and recovery is enhanced by taking advantage of the WEALTH of such differences. Changing sponsors is seen as a sign of growth, not as an abandonment of one sponsor for another, or a reflection of the quality of the sponsorship.

That’s it for now. Just a reminder that these are simply my best guesses, and hopefully, in some way they might help you in your search.

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