Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: Bugga - Date: 08 Dec 1997

Tsk, tsk tsk...Can I HAVE A CRACK AT HIM?? You poor soul. I was physically abused as a child also. But believe it or not, my WITNESSING physical abuse on my only brother was FAR MORE PAINFUL TO ME. Sometimes I wonder how I made it this far. Strong will? Survival desire powerful? Stubborn? Probably all of the above. But what makes us all come out SO DIFFERENT? My husband was also physically abused as a child. I think the key to answer this question is what was THE INTENT behind the abuse? Every abusive situation is different. From what I hear from you, it sounds like your abuse was far worse than mine.

Whatever the case, abuse, whether it's mental or physical or a combination of both, is CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR. There are laws that now protect us from it. But would we have gotten the law involved? I view abuse as a punishment we've suffered but at the time felt we deserved. Why did we feel we deserved the punishment? I KNOW NOW I didn't deserve it. That doesn't help matters much though does it? You are obviously trying to get some answers. Again, I'll stress the importance of peeling away at yourself to get in touch with feelings and answers. If you have the strength to do it, at possibly re-live some of the pain and hostility, coming out the other side is a WONDERFUL feeling. Short-lived, but much healthier. I'm no stranger to depression, panic attacks and anxiety either. I was on Prozac or Paxil, Ativan... FOR YEARS... before getting back under control. I had all kinds of psychological problems. Psychiatrist for five years, group therapy, etc. Then I did some 'absorbing' for a few years, and made my way through the majority of old shit. It was helpful, but not nearly as powerful as, believe it or not, THIS FORUM. Being here sharing and being shared with, and I'll reiterate, has allowed THE MOST PROFOUND IMPACT ON MY LIFE!!! Not only am I able to see a little clearer and do I feel A LOT better, I am able to accept and be accepted...no matter what. My only rule for myself is honesty. Sure, I have the anonymity factor, but what good am I doing if I'm not putting out honesty? There are so many people who don't have access to this site, or any other resources for that matter, to be able to learn these things. Ok, enough of that. People are going to think I work for an ad agency or something.

I don't think you'll ever get a direct answer to questions, unless you run across BUGGA (me). No, seriously, We share and offer suggestions most of the time. Look for Bernd's messages. He's my Ambassador of Kwan (courtesy, Cuba Gooding in Jerry Maguire). He's a smart man who's been there and done that. Also see Wolfie's postings and replies. She's a real-life talent and an inspiration to all of us. Also, if you can, read some of the posts from InSearchOf, Josie, Trish, eml, and David (Firefly). There's value in all of it.

Well, I hope this helps. It may not be The Answer, but if you find the tools you need to make your life work better and be OK with your decisions, that's an invaluable accomplishment.

By the way, did I tell you how much I respect seeing how you reached out? Well, I do. And whoever your higher power is, MY God, the father of Jesus, LOVES YOU. And I'm no Holy Roller. Don't even go to church. But I believe in God. I have a statue of Jesus holding a small child. Along with the statue, is the Footprints poem. If you don't know it, I'll put it in another post in a while.

My thoughts, prayers and many huggs are with you.

Love,

Bugga

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