Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve...

Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: True RECOVERY??? - Date: 08 Dec 1997

ahhhhh, thank-you from my soul to yours - what kindness this forum can bring - EVEN through faceless anonnimity I can feel such great wisdom and desire to know! In these days I guess we find the best support can come from strangers - but feeling accepted is really waht it's about and SHARING...thanks so much for taking some valuable time to do so.

There is so much swimming about from your posts, YES bernd I see your point...John has much to learn and I do sense a little "comfort zone" he can create - not avoidance but a level that is safe.... Sometimes I feel I could just physically deflate from all that is kept in side ( mostly still anger) My therapist is a woman - and she really seems to be pushing the Prosecution - mainly I think to see if I have the guts or can well up enough anger to ACT it out - to "empower myself" I keep hearing those words fall from her mouth. And they DO NOT seem to ring true in my heart. Bugga, Wolfie I do believe that much support is needed.... I am seeking more now.. a group (again) I was in group for about 4 1/2 years - that is what gave me the courage to confront him the first time.

Right now another major issue for me is MY minimizing of waht took place and my wanting STILL not to beleive my father could stick his toungue down my throat and tell me I was his "special girl" in the same moment. What can I do to move from this - I feel as though I am STILL protecting HIM!!!!! That fucker?? WHY! Do I need another confrontation? He seems to just sit there and nod and say "Yea I may have done some wrong things...but..." AS if he stepped on my toes?

How can I stop comparing MY pain w/ others - whay does my pain feel LESS - even though I KNOW it was so so so wrong - what he did to me (on several occasions, also to my friends and cousins)???

I feel hatred towards this man - is this an issue of NOT forgiving 0 how can I forgive when at the same time I desire HIS forgiveness and LOVE! WHY do I still feel a void - I will always feel this void - he will NOT change! HATE vs. LOVE - his memories burn holes through my life so deep I fear for my survival - and I keep going - I keep returning to the same place I feel....

damn

PS I do not have a computer at home - so I cannot participate as much as I would like to....but I will write and check back as often as I can. My light is weaking - while strength comes in slowly , love to you all, crushed <------<<<< p>