Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: Bernd - Date: 09 Dec 1997

Just a few thoughts. What Lynda and I found have made a big differnece is the creation of "new memories". Huh?

What we've found is that in an intimate relationship, the child (or rather, children) inside us still exists - timeless. My little boys inside look to me now to be their dad, and to Lynda to be their mom. Every thing I do, and she does, that celebrates their existence, and treats them like loved children, creates new memories. On a dark day, every new candle that's lit helps turn the day into sunshine.

We've gone on imaginary "trips" inside, back to her past, where I was "with her" when her abusers tried again to abuse her. We came up with a magic purple wand, that she could hold in front of her, and it sends out a shining light that is VERY painful to the abusers, and makes them flee in terror. This "fantasy" memory we made blew us both away with its healing power. To a child, fantasy is VERY real - children understand magic at a core level. We've made more "good" memories like this, and each one has changed the memories of the children within us, and given them back part of the childhood they never had. Btw, we do some real life "new memory" stuff too, like playing on swings, tasting "kid treats" (ice cream, etc.) by letting our kids inside "taste" them, and savour them. Sexually, the non-sexual touching - and the mutual supported freedom to be able to say "no" to each other's sexual advances - and still be cuddled and hugged and wanted, has all helped tremendously.

The children inside of us - like adopted children - don't need the biological parents' "love" as much as they need a LOVING parent's love. When our inner children get this kind of love from our adult self, as well as our partner, they feel safe, valued, and loved again in a way that really helps heal the earlier lossses from their real parents.

Those have been our experiences.

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