Re: Band-Aid from Father w/ out lOve... ----- From: Bernd - Date: 09 Dec 1997

Hmmmm, I’m not sure if I know how we learnt this stuff. But here’s a shot at it.

One of the things I’ve done in my recovery - a huge leap of faith - is to go PURPOSELY into areas that were quicksand. As an example, when I first hooked up to the internet (a few years after Lynda and I got back together), I found myself drawn more and more to the sex chat channels, and began struggling with the “tug” versus my realization that this was the LAST thing our relationship needed during this very difficult stage.

In my meditations, however, I kept getting a fuzzy insight that the biggest truths are found in the directions that terrify us most. It’s like walking a tightrope to a huge diamond, but with a 100 ft drop if you slip. It seemed like insanity at the time, but what I eventually ended up doing was to begin visiting the sex chat channels by CHOICE. I wanted to find out what was driving the growing pull that they seemed to have on me.

It was a HUGE trigger for Lynda when she found out. And I had a HUGE struggle over “privacy” versus “secrecy”. Where were the boundaries between my private sexual identity and ownership, and my sexual half of the relationship? My sexuality had been guided by fear and shame for so long, I really didn’t know what boundaries I had, and where the healthiest places for them were.

We both had big-time struggles over this. I told Lynda that I needed to make conscious choices as far as my sexual privacy went, BUT that this didn’t mean “hiding” things from her. Whatever things she wanted to talk about, I was willing to talk for as much as we needed, and that I would try to answer her questions as honestly as I could.

Once we got over the initial tornado that my choice started, she began to sit in on my computer sessions. This period was extremely painful for both of us, because I had opened what seemed to be a Pandora’s box. I constantly doubted what the hell my inner voice was trying to do to me!

Over the course of the next year, we talk, and talked and talked...and raged, and cried, etc. But as the days went on, something started changing. We began having a much deeper understanding of each other’s sexual issues, fears, and joys. As my understanding of my own sexuality and Lynda’s increased, what I found is that the “pull” began changing as well. Insights began popping into both of our heads out of seemingly nowhere, and as we shared them, fears that we had began transforming into understanding and empathy. My (and really, our) focus in the sex chat channels began changing from one of feeding a compulsion, to learning about others, and “open” friendship. We began seeing how so many were trying to find their own answers about their own sexuality, without the benefit of a recovery program to help them understand their search. We saw many online affairs and relationships develop, with many leading to the edge of cliffs and emotional devastation for those involved.

It may surprise many to know that eventually I became an “op” on #netsex on the undernet (an op is someone who co-manages the channel activities, and helps in running the channel, and setting channel policies). Both Lynda and I became more comfortable with “playing” on the channel, and with friends that we felt safe and comfortable with. We also found that our time on the channels became much more non-sexual fun and socializing. The “pull” eventually disappeared, and I left #netsex about a year ago. I haven’t been back on a sex chat channel for ages other than to just check in and see how everyone is doing.

As painful as the process was, we both learned a ton from it. Looking back at how insane my decision seemed at the time, I realize we gained so much from that tortuous trip thru the swamp, that we never would have discovered otherwise. We each gained a HUGE understanding of our inner sexual struggles and fears, and began to see how the children inside of us struggled with adult issues that overwhelmed them. We learned the power of fantasy and imagination, and Lynda and I (when we had 2 computers running) sometimes netsexed together in the same room! Tons of fun! We used to kid that - every since we got 2 computers - our communication had vastly improved!

The insights that we got about our inner children during this process have been among the most powerful results we got from the struggles. Remember how often I talk about pain being a teacher? This is one of the things we learned as well - that when we finally feel our pain, and talk about it, the insights it’s carrying just seem to “pop” into our heads. It’s not a thinking process in the normal sense that we were used to.

The idea of the magic wand, and the insights about creating new memories, both came to us during this period, and as a result of our struggles and talks. To have such insights come as a result of a conscious foray into netsex is something that NEITHER one of us could have ever predicted - not in a blue moon. It was like a lightbulb went off, and once we saw the light, it was like seeing Disneyworld for the first time. We went exploring!

So that’s how we began “learning” this “new memory” stuff. Not a straight-line answer, is it? In looking back, that “tightrope to the diamond” I mentioned is too difficult for anyone to manage on their own without falling. The only way I could make it across safely - and Lynda joined me screaming and raging every step - was to take a huge leap of faith and trust my inner voice (and God) at a level I never had before. Just as a reality check, I still went to my support group meetings and my therapy during this period, and used both to help double-check how in touch I was with that inner voice.

It reminds me of Star Wars, when Luke Skywalker - despite all his pilot skills - couldn’t hit an important target thru thought and determination alone. It wasn’t till he trusted “the force” that things clicked.

I’ve been pussyfooting around wanting to tell about this part of our relationship for a while, and I guess your question removed the last mental barrier I had. Sorta makes you wonder if you’ll ever ask another “short question” ever again, huh?????:)

Hugggggggs.

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