To NiceGuy

To NiceGuy ----- From: rapunzel - Date: 17 Dec 1997

Tried to reply to your post below, but this silly thing wouldn't let me.

Oh, I know what you're feeling! That intense feeling of euphoria and well-being when you are with the other person, the sense that your day is not complete if you don't see them or at least talk to them. It's extraordinary, and it's absolutely impossible to believe that you can feel it when they don't, or that the power of your feelings can't somehow make them realize that they really DO feel the same way you do.

It took me a long time and a lot of pain to realize that feelings like these, even incredibly powerful feelings, can be genuinely one-sided. It took me even longer to realize that feelings like that, the my-day-isn't-complete- without-him feelings, were less like love than they were like addiction. I had a relationship where I actually became irritable if I didn't see him every day - and when we broke up, I went through intense ups and downs, just like coming off a drug.

She's been clear with you from the first: She wants to be friends. You ask why she is spending so much time with you if she doesn't want to get back together - she genuinely thinks of you as a friend, and she likes to spend time with you as a friend. It sounds like she's told you several times that this is what she wants, and that it's ALL she wants, and you are torturing yourself, waiting around for her to change. It may be hard to believe it, feeling as strongly as you do, but SHE WON'T. You can't "convince" someone to fall in love with you.

If you really and truly want more from her, if you can't bear the thought of being "just" friends, with no hope of anything else, then you should let her go. I know that sounds impossible, and you may not be able to do it right now; but at some point you'll need to take care of yourself, and that will mean removing yourself from the presence of something you can't have. It may seem like the end of the world - and it may feel like it for a while, too - but trust me, it's NOT. It wasn't until after I had severed all contact with my "obsession" (he wanted to be friends, too; I'm afraid I wasn't very gracious about that!) that I was able to sit back and think about what I REALLY wanted from a relationship. All those euphoric feelings are nice, really nice; but REAL relationships are about commitment and emotional support and mutual trust and respect. Those things can be enhanced by "love euphoria", but they aren't created by it. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of WORK to build those things; and let me tell you, if you're the only one putting in the time and the work it's not going to happen.

There ARE women beyond this one, NiceGuy, even when it doesn't seem like it. You just have to be open to them when they arrive.

Good luck,