Re: ))LOVE WITHOUT LOVE((

Re: ))LOVE WITHOUT LOVE(( ----- From: trish - Date: 18 Dec 1997

Hello SK,

For the first 18 years of my life, I never received a hug or an 'I love you'. During those 18 years, I had been raped, tortured and saw death, in its cruelest form.

I left my mothers house and married into a loving family. A family that welcomed me with open hugging, loving arms. I started going to church on a regular basis (and it was the one for me). My entire childhood I would escape into a fantasy world and I would talk to God but never understood Him. As I learned about God and his wonderful love, and 'forgiveness', that deep down longing for my mothers arms and love began to overwhelm me again. During this time, I was able to 'really' step back and look at my mother through outsiders eyes and see the hell of a life she had.

So how was I going to get this hug and these words. I had had my first child by then, a son. Through my baby, each day I saw how I was 'teaching' him.

I went to visit my mother one day (something to keep in mind, mother could hug my brothers, and that will be another post). As we were visiting, I watched her with my son. SK, I got up and went over to my mother and put my arms around her and said 'I love you mom'. Well, didn't get the response I thought, she was quite frigid and kindof stood there shocked. She said ok trish.

Well from that time on, I started saying I love you mom, before we said our good bye on the phone, and when we would go for a visit, I would go up to her and give her a quick hug and a I love you.

I had 3 children, and during this time, my mom really watched me. The love, and the 'discipline' I was giving my children. I had great kids, and everyone would comment what good kids Trish had. SK, through ME, my mother began learning how to be a mom. SHE WAS a wonderful grandma. She just needed someone to show her, not tell her.

Well, old habits are hard to break, especially when they have been practiced for so long. Mom, much later would say, I love you, not as easily as I would have liked, but she said it. (Later found out it was her own guilt she held inside, but didn't know how to say I'm sorry, in her heart, she knew she had done the best she could, and when we know, we have done the best we could, the words, "I'm sorry" are hard to accept, until we learn what this forgiveness thing is all about).

SK, I learned in bits and pieces her life, before her marriage to my dad. Through this understanding the love poured out of me for her. And you know what, she had been waiting for love, all of her life.

On my mothers dieing bed, she said, Trish I never did for you like I did for the boys. I said, oh yes you did mom, and so much more. You made me strong mom, I love you.

My mothers last few years of life on earth, had peace and love. OH, after her death, her boss, a woman, said Trish, your mother was so proud of you. I said 'What?', she said oh yes, all she talked about was you, and how proud she was of you, your accomplishments and what a wonderful mother you are.

Mom was 55 years old when she died, and I just turned 35.

SK, when my dad died, there is another long post involved, which involves that letting go of waiting for someone to come and 'protect' me.

A little bit to think about, my friend. (((sk))) Love trish